Dear Eric: My daughter is in a committed relationship with a partner. My daughter insists that she will never get married. They bought a house and have a child together. We live nearby and see them often, providing backup childcare as needed. They both have good jobs.
Their money is separate. They pay for things separately and have elected to not set up a joint account for household expenses. Not my concern or problem.
Except that my husband and I gifted them $20,000 at the end of the year last year, no intended strings attached. It is for their household/family. My daughter informed me six months later that they never cashed the check and it is a problem because they do not have joint accounts. I offered to give them both a separate check, or provide a bank transfer, but this was also a problem. “If you want to give money to (the partner), go ahead.” Essentially, she does not want a joint gift as this is too much like presuming them to be married, which they are not. I am about ready to send a large donation to charity and call it a day. Have you ever heard of this level of ingratitude? Am I reading the room wrong?
– Confounded Mom
Dear Mom: Not cashing a check (especially one this large) for months is rude. Further, to make you jump through more hoops just to give them money? Unacceptable. I’d ask for the check back and take myself to lunch.
Considering your daughter’s perspective, there’s an argument to be made that she sees the joint gift as an indication that you’re not respecting the structure of her relationship. And if the check is made out to both people, I can see where this could become an issue. If the check is made out to your daughter “or” her partner, either can cash it. But if it reads “and,” both will need to visit a bank together, and it still may present an issue.
All that being said, you’ve made attempts to amend your approach, and she seems to be stuck on not wanting to be involved in her partner’s finances at all. But I think this is a logistical issue she needs to work out within her relationship. Continuing to operate separately is just fine, but it seems easy enough for her to cash the check and just give her partner half of it without continuing to involve you.
Dear Eric: My neighbors are a family of four, with two teenagers. We’ve been neighbors for 10 years with no problems. This past year they went through a traumatic incident with one of their kids, but with time they are beginning to heal. Of course, we went out of our way during this time to ensure they could be there for their child. We made food, got groceries et cetera. Things have been stable for about six months.
Lately, though, the mom has been texting me to ask my son to do things, like vacuum her house. To clarify, I am a single mom to two children. My son is in university and lives with me. My daughter just moved out.
She came over at 8 p.m. with a key to her house. I told her my son would not be vacuuming her house.
I thought this would end it, as I was not happy.
Two days ago, I received another text asking if my son wants to mow her lawn.
Her husband and son had gone fishing. And she was home. I said no.
I can’t figure out why she’s asking my son to do things they are fully capable of doing?
I don’t know how to respond in a way that doesn’t come off as rude, but I’m pretty close to asking her why. I thought I’d mention it to her husband because I’m pretty sure she’s not telling him she’s asking my son to do work at their house. It’s so weird. Any advice?
– My Son is Unavailable
Dear Unavailable: Go ahead and ask her why. On its face, this behavior is perplexing, presumptuous even. Maybe she misunderstood a blanket offer of support; maybe she had a separate conversation with your son. Or maybe she’s a little too opportunistic and needs redirection.
It’s not rude to express your confusion by saying something like, “Lately, you’ve been asking me to have my son do chores at your house. I don’t know where this is coming from. Can you help me see what I’m missing?” If she doubles down, don’t be afraid to assert the boundary you’ve set. “My son has a full plate right now, so I can’t volunteer him for other tasks. Would you like my help brainstorming other ways for you to get the job done?”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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