movie review
RED ONE
Zero Stars. Running time: 123 minutes. Rated PG-13 (action, some violence, and language). In theaters.
For the most wonderful time of the year comes the worst movie of the year.
That’s “Red One,” a piece of Christmas crapola starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Chris Evans. If you see it, yule regret it.
Our two hours of holiday drear begin with the title, which refers to the POTUS-like code name that the U.S. Government gives Santa Claus.
How magical.
Kris Kringle, played by J.K. Simmons as a push-up-obsessed gym rat, is kidnapped after a freelance hacker named Jack (Chris Evans) inadvertently reveals the location of the North Pole to an evildoer.
So, Santa’s bodyguard, Callum (Johnson, obviously), enlists Jack to rescue Santa and “save Christmas.”
Save Christmas? They’ve mercilessly killed it.
Before the Dec. 24 abduction, Callum, who runs E.L.F. (Enforcement, Logistics and Fortification — ugh) is one day away from retirement.
“I love the kids,” he sighs. “It’s the grown-ups that are killing me.”
For the first time ever, we’re told the naughty list is longer than the nice list. Callum does not explain why, but it is probably connected to CVS padlocking mouthwash.
“Red One,” misdirected by Jake Kasdan, then oozes the usual seasonal pine sap.
“Somewhere inside every grownup is the kid they once were,” Simmons’ Santa replies as if in a hypnotic trance.
These are the sort of canned Hallmark lines uttered in movies meant for young children.
So, why do characters also shout “s–t!” multiple times in this film that’s rated PG-13? Or, when Jack asked what his job was, who thought it best that the Rock yelled, “To spread cheer, assh–e!”?
“Red One” is a movie of many such mysteries. It reportedly cost $250 million to make. But you’d never know from the not-so-special effects on screen. Did the craft service table include whole bluefin tunas and white truffles?
Jack is one of the jaded adults Callum despises. As a kid, the killjoy told his little cousins that Santa doesn’t exist. Now, he has a troubled relationship with his young son, Dylan (Wesley Kimmel), and enjoys gambling.
His supernatural adventure of excitement-free and humorless action chases makes him late to Dylan’s school recital.
In hot pursuit of Santa, Callum and Jack head to Aruba, which probably accounts for 50% of why this movie was made in the first place, and the land of the Krampus — the scary Christmas monster of German folklore.
The littlest viewers will not be amused by the Krampus, played by “Game of Thrones” actor Kristofer Hivju like he’s Leprechaun on steroids. “Leprechaun in the Flop.”
The duo is captured by the prosthetic-enhanced freak, who’s apparently Santa’s estranged brother, after Jack attempts to swipe some swag in his dank castle.
“You tried to steal gold from the Dark Lord of Winter!” says the Rock in one of the writers Chris Morgan and Hiram Garcia’s video-game reject lines.
Callum then engages in a game of Krampusschlap — a stupid competition in which the giant-horned goat and E.L.F. agent hit each other repeatedly until one passes out and he gains his freedom.
Thought I: When will I gain my freedom?
Not until after we meet Gryla, a basic witch played by Kiernan Shipka, who has Claus in her clutches. The sorceress has a nefarious plan to trap all naughty folks in snow globes — a kind of half-assed rapture.
They’ve gotta stop her with the help of a serious-as-heart-attack U.S. official named Zoe (Lucy Liu), head of M.O.R.A. (Mythological Oversight and Restoration Authority. Say it with me — ugh!).
It’s no spoiler to say that the heartless movie ends with Santa delivering presents all around the world.
As for “Red One,” I’d like a gift receipt.
