Dear Eric: I’m the first to recognize we live in a different world than 20 or 25 years ago. That is to say everything seems to have become so fast-paced; everyone is always busy, no time for anything, expectations of instant gratification.
Is it becoming more commonplace to forgo what was once common practice? Recently, a close (immediate) family member and their own family (spouse and children) failed to send along a simple birthday greeting to me (text or phone call, not even a card in the mail). I’m not the type of person that goes around advertising to the general public that it is my birthday, but a simple acknowledgment from close family is nice.
I see other things like this more often now – people don’t return calls, texts, send thank-you messages, reach out anymore, have a family dinner every so often, etc. It would seem everyone sort of operates in their own bubble, and when they have to come out, it’s seen as an inconvenience.
However, I’m very hung up on this birthday thing. I failed to attend a small family event a couple of weeks after because I felt I’d be miserable there given the circumstances and wanted to spare the others in attendance that demeanor. What are your thoughts?
– Flustered
Dear Flustered: We are more connected than ever but that connection, particularly through devices, sometimes has the adverse effect of making us feel more isolated. We’re inundated with information and it’s easy for humanity to get lost in the mix.
At the risk of sounding like a technophobe, put more blame on the machine and the system, than the individuals. Yes, it’s possible for loved ones to reach out on special days and they should. But it seems that this slight on your birthday has attached itself to a larger societal concern you have.
Try to approach this from a person-to-person place. What you might be feeling is loneliness and it’s OK to let the people in your life know that. “It was my birthday recently and I like hearing from those I care about on special days. I miss you and I’d like to talk more. Can we make that happen?”
Dear Eric: I’m a 71-year-old female and have read many tips on how to meet people and make new friends, but all involve “groups” which have never appealed to me, as I am an introvert. I’m not at all comfortable in large groups, I feel overstimulated by too much chatter. It’s absolutely draining and I also feel obligated to engage in group conversations that I do not enjoy.
In the past I’ve been told I can seem snobbish, withdrawn or standoffish. I wish people could understand that some of us are simply introverted. It’s nothing personal against anyone else, it’s just how we’re wired.
One-on-one gatherings are my preference, but no more than a group of maybe four people at a time would be acceptably comfortable for me.
My interests are all the “quiet” kind; gardening, nature, wildlife (all animals), hiking, photographing beautiful scenery, exploring small towns and historic homes, taking road trips to new places, art exhibits, enjoying relaxing lunches in quiet restaurants, being on or near water. All of these things I enjoy are best enjoyed in the company of one.
But I would like to have more than just one friend. What is your advice for someone like me?
– Solo Friend
Dear Friend: There are some groups, particularly groups focused on the interests you listed, that have a more passive style of membership. Think, for instance, of a master gardener program or a historical society. You might consider joining one of them– which often just involves signing up for a mailing list or paying for a membership – and posting about your interest in one-on-one outings in a group message board.
While it’s important to exercise caution when meeting new people, particularly one-on-one, you may find others who are less inclined to bigger groups and are eager to connect.
Also consider joining purposefully small outings, like a museum tour that has a strict cap or even a travel tour that is similarly small and less focused on group socialization. What you’ll want to look for is something that allows you to pursue your interests as the primary focus.
Social pressure to engage in casual conversation or to participate in group activities is real. But as you go out – whether in a group or solo – keep reminding yourself that the only measure of success is if you enjoy yourself. Be on the lookout for others who are enjoying themselves separate from the group. You don’t even have to speak to them. Use their presence as a reminder that there are many ways of connecting with the world and with yourself.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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