Dear Eric: I am getting older. I have lived in my home more than half my life. I raised my children, educated myself, had a career and launched my kids while living here as a long-divorced person.
In the last few years, my body has changed. I now use a walker. My mind works just fine. Many confuse mobility issues with thinking issues.
Today, a neighbor’s son, visiting for the holidays, just started shoveling my walk without consulting me. I had already made snow removal arrangements with someone else. I asked if I could pay him. He said no. I told him that the person I made arrangements with was counting on the shoveling income.
I thanked the neighbor’s son for his kindness and he left. I can no longer do yard work or remove snow.
Please help me understand why most folks think I am incapable of taking care of my home and yard. I have been unmarried, successful and independent for a very long time.
Help me walk this fine line between kindness and intrusion.
– Unwarranted Help
Dear Help: Many people think of snow removal and yard work as onerous, and even dangerous, and therefore ideal ways to spread kindness to neighbors and loved ones. Try not to think of these acts as disempowering. It’s unlikely that anyone who clears a path for you thinks that you’re incapable of taking care of yourself. Isn’t it more likely that they’re thinking that having a clear sidewalk or driveway makes life easier and keeps you safer? This would be true for anyone, regardless of their physical ability.
I do want to acknowledge that you want to be consulted first, as is your right. Though your neighbor’s son didn’t do this, I’d suggest that it was an innocent oversight. Snow needs to be cleared, and he may have simply seen an opportunity. However, this doesn’t stop you from paying the other person if you’d already budgeted the funds and you know the other person needs the money. You received some kindness with nothing asked in return and you can pass it on, too.
Dear Eric: My daughter is getting married in October. The immediate family have rooms in the small inn at the venue.
For many reasons, both great and small, my husband and I no longer share a bedroom. On a busy wedding weekend, I especially need a good night’s sleep and the occasional quiet that comes with my own room.
My daughter wants me to give her friend my room. I said no. Am I being unreasonable? P.S. We’re paying for everything.
– Mother of the Bride
Dear Mother: Heavens no, you’re not being unreasonable. Is this room the only room in the town? Is the friend unable to stay down the street or around the corner? I understand that it’s your daughter’s special day and she may want things just so, but it’s not like you’re using the second room to store clothes. You have a need and you’re meeting that need. And it will help you show up better for your daughter. But, even if it was just because a good night’s sleep is what you need, that’s reason enough. There are plenty of other options here. Sleep well.
Dear Eric: This is in response to “Game Play”, a letter from someone whose friend was experiencing cognitive decline. The letter writer said that the decline was affecting the card game that the group regularly plays.
I had a traumatic brain injury a number of years ago. It radically changed my life (not for the better). The friend may want to research brain injuries to learn more about what her friend is going through.
As a kindness to the friend, offer to go to the doctor with her and take notes about what the doctor says. It may be a struggle for the friend to understand and stressful to acknowledge that to the doctor.
Offer rides to places she needs to go. Also, if she is driving or somehow getting herself there, she may be arriving somewhat depleted and tired. As a group, figure out how to help by arranging rides or setting up a rideshare and maybe pay for it so she can safely get together with the group.
Please keep inviting her to the game. Social contact is critical for anyone, and it will help her also as she continues on her health journey.
– Been There
Dear Been There: These are great ways of thinking more expansively about how to show up for the friend. Continuing to include her in the games is great, but it’s also important to remember that as her life and capacity changes, the friendship will change, too.
Dear Readers: Happy 2026! I’m grateful for the chance to spend another year with you.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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