Dear Eric: Our son, who is in college, began losing his hair in high school. It could be genetic, but this does not run in the family. Although he is skinny, he eats terribly. He fills up on junk food, juice and soda. Sometimes he eats nothing.
When he lived at home, I could influence at least some of what he ate, but he always denied there was anything wrong. His pediatrician (male, for what it’s worth) always dismissed my concerns. I helped him find a new doctor when he turned 18 but now that he’s an adult, there is even less I can do.
We know that he is unhappy with how he looks. My husband has tried to talk to him gently about speaking with his doctor specifically about his hair and its connection to his diet and potentially an underlying health problem. On a side note, our son has occasionally seen a counselor at school about unrelated issues, when we suggested it, so he does not always reject our advice out of hand, like he does with this.
If he liked the way he looks, and if it were totally clear that this isn’t a health issue, we would leave it alone. But given the circumstances, do we need to leave it alone anyway?
– Concerned Mother
Dear Mother: Right now, the most supportive thing you can do for your son is continuing to listen to him and provide help when asked for. He’s on a journey with his body – as we all are. And while there are a variety of hair treatments available and many different resources for getting help with one’s diet, he has to learn to be proactive about them if he wants something to change. While it’s hard for parents to watch their children feel around in the dark, this kind of independent decision-making is an important part of development.
Lead with curiosity instead of concern as much as possible here. You can ask him about his feelings about himself or his eating habits but try to focus more on asking him about who he is, what he wants and what’s going on in his life. As he spreads his wings in college, it will help him to understand how an adult solves a problem. That problem could be as complex as addressing hair loss with a professional, or as simple as “how do I make dinner for myself?”
Dear Eric: I was surprised by your response to “Not the Girlfriend” who wanted the man she described as her boyfriend to, in words, ask her to be his girlfriend (assuming that represents exclusivity). They’ve been dating for six weeks, and he has told her he loves her.
I’m quite old, but don’t think I’m so old-fashioned in thinking that six weeks into a relationship is a bit too soon to be trying to nail things down. She didn’t mention how often they see each other but at six weeks you’re really just getting to know someone. Good relationships take time. And she’s already frustrated by the situation. I know there have been successful relationships that worked right from the get-go, but they’re rare.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to know a dating partner’s level of interest/seriousness. But I wonder what her rush is.
Maybe the guy thinks of her as his girlfriend without explicitly saying so. After all, he’s already said he loves her.
By the way, at six weeks, even sooner, you can certainly feel “in love” but at that stage you’re filling in the aspects that you still don’t know about your love interest with qualities you imagine are true.
– Reader
Dear Reader: I’m very grateful for this letter. It made me think about the original letter in a new way – and, not for nothing, made me ruminate for a while on the nature of love, which is always a very nice way to spend one’s time. I agree with you.
I was thinking about the communication challenges that many couples have and how so often we don’t ask for what we want. Or – one of the more dreaded roadblocks in a relationship – we want our partner to read our minds.
But I didn’t think enough about where this relationship was in its life cycle and how its relative newness probably adds to the issues of miscommunication.
Relationships at any stage can provoke insecurity or simply a desire to know that we’re loved in the way we want to be loved. That voice inside asking for assurance is natural and there’s nothing wrong with it, but it’s not always asking for something external. Sometimes it’s asking for internal work – in self-esteem, in being clear about one’s own desires, in being happy with oneself. That internal work will only strengthen other relationships.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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