Dear Eric: My wife and I married two years ago. We were both widowed after long happy marriages and feel blessed that we have found each other.
When our first spouses died, they were each interred in different local cemeteries. In each case, the headstones include each surviving spouse’s name, birth year and, of course, no death year (yet!). So, when my wife and I die, we would be interred with our first spouses, with no reference to second spouses. And yet, to take our names off of the current headstones (actually bronze plaques, so it is possible to do) and be interred together somewhere else seems not right either.
How can we recognize our current and former spouses in our final resting places? I just want my second, happy, marriage recognized, as well as my first, happy, marriage
– Thinking Ahead
Dear Thinking: It’s a gift to those who will survive you that you’re thinking through this now. Perhaps the easiest option is for you and your wife to redesign the plaques to list both spouses. So, the headstone where you’ll be interred would list both of your marriages, as would the headstone where your wife will be interred, should you choose not to be interred together. Even if you do choose to be interred together somewhere else, this is an option available for the headstones of your first spouses.
Now, some might quibble that you can’t be in two places so why would your name be? This has precedent, though. For instance, the graves of some veterans buried at Arlington National Cemetery list spouses who are buried elsewhere. A headstone is a monument that gives family a place to visit and, often, aids historical researchers. Memorializing both of your marriages in this way honors the lives you lived and the people you loved.
Dear Eric: I have been at a job I love and value for eight years. Recently two members of our small team were promoted to supervisors. I was one of the top three candidates, but not selected for one of the positions. The two who were selected are not as qualified, are less experienced and have no college education, etc. In addition, I was doing the work of a supervisor while we were waiting for the hiring process to play out.
This has killed my passion for what I do. There is a possibility of another promotion in the next three or four years, but I’m not sure I can make it that long. Being asked to teach the new supervisors on how to do their jobs is soul crushing. Should I look for another job or stick it out and hope for the best in three or four years?
– Work Disappointment
Dear Work Disappointment: Three years is a long time to feel undervalued. Start looking for another job. Even if you don’t choose to leave, it’s a good idea to get a sense of your worth at regular intervals.
Surveying the market, going on interviews, and comparing salaries can help provide a new perspective and highlight opportunities for professional growth. Additionally, giving yourself more options is an antidote to hopelessness.
If you love the work but aren’t happy with the work environment, the worst thing you can do is let your company continue to sap your joy. It may be that, after some searching and some interviews, you find that you’re actually happiest at your current job. But you won’t know what’s possible unless you look.
Dear Eric: My mother-in-law “Rosie” always bemoans the fact that she never gets to see the great-grandchildren. They live in Arizona and travel to the Midwest during the summer and occasionally for Christmas. Rosie never comes over when the kids are here and always has an excuse. “Oh, I have yoga. I have to get together with the girls. I have to get my hair done.”
They are usually here for two or three weeks. After they go home, she talks about not getting to see them. And, if she does see them, it is in and out after 10 or 15 minutes. I am so sick of her self-pity. But when I point out that she could reschedule yoga or another activity she becomes defensive and indignant. Any suggestions on how to handle this?
– Caught in the Middle
Dear Caught: It sounds like Rosie has a narrative from which she’s not interested in parting. Maybe she has time management challenges; maybe she feels ignored in other parts of life and it’s coming out here. Either way, from her response she’s not looking for solutions.
In advance of the next visit, see if you can give Rosie the kids’ itinerary and ask her where she’d like to reserve time. Proactivity may not stop the complaints, but it does give you a conversational out.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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