Dear Eric: Valentine’s Day is approaching and members of my family and friends send me “Happy Valentine’s Day” texts, knowing that I am a widow. They claim that Valentine’s is for everybody, not just couples.
I feel otherwise and this just rubs salt into my wounds. These wishes feel to me very thoughtless and insensitive. How do I respond?
– Grieving Widow
Dear Grieving Widow: Even if your family and friends have good intentions, it’s important that they hear you when you say that those intentions are having the opposite intended impact. If there are some who have repeatedly sent texts or made a point to contradict you about your own feelings, proactively asking before Valentine’s Day that they not send a message may help.
Now, it may also draw you into a debate. This is the downside. But you don’t have to debate. You’ve set a boundary and when people cross our boundaries, even with good intentions and boxes of chocolates, it’s an indication that they’re not in the right place to be in a good relationship with us.
If you’d rather not get into it in advance, you can respond on a case-by-case basis with something short and clear. “I’m not celebrating Valentine’s Day. But I’d love to hear from you on [some other holiday or important milestone].”
People can overstep in their desire to support those of us who are grieving. They may want you to “be OK” or to use the day to remember your love. They may think they’re helping. If that’s not where you are or what you want, it’s good to communicate that. It may also be helpful to remind yourself that those who aren’t in your shoes may not fully understand.
That’s not on you to fix, but it may lessen the sting. If all else fails, V-Day may be a time you want to put your phone in a drawer and do something that brings you peace.
Dear Eric: My mother has been horribly critical of everyone all my life, including myself. I’m 50, and am constantly being criticized, often in front of others, for the way I laugh, that she can hear me chew food, my sleeves, “at your age” are too short, and I wear slacks too often.
The fact that I have an informed opinion on current events comes under fire. As a result, I rarely bring up anything in her presence. But then she accuses me of ignoring her.
Truth is, I’m sick of putting up with the criticism that will follow anything I say or do in her presence. I’ve limited time with her, but my only sibling lives across the country and it’s too expensive for her and her family to come home as much as they’d like. My sister gets her share of criticism over the phone.
Nothing we’ve said will get it through our mother’s head, that it’s sometimes kinder to just keep your mouth shut if all you have to offer is useless and mean criticism.
I dread the day she becomes dependent on me, the only family in the area, to take her shopping and on errands and for any care. I know already, I won’t be able to do one thing right.
– Stuck
Dear Stuck: There’s just no pleasing some people. Especially when their worldview is perpetually tinted grey, and an unappealing shade of grey at that. There are solutions available to your mother, if she wants to make use of them. But right now, she doesn’t seem inclined to change and it’s not your job to make her.
You can begin to adjust the boundaries of your relationship by calling out comments or behavior that are unacceptable when they happen and without debate. Yes, this will get added to her list of grievances. That’s an unfortunate truth that you’ll have to accept.
But you don’t have to accept constant criticism, and you can let her know that that is the line for you now. What happens when she crosses the line? Maybe the conversation ends, or the visit. Maybe it’s simply a redirect. But if she keeps crossing the boundary, you’ll be right to disengage.
If and when she needs more help, the boundary doesn’t have to recede. In fact, it’s important that it doesn’t. If you’re driving her to the store and she’s haranguing you about your sleeves, for instance, the response might be, “My attire is off-limits for conversation. If you can’t help yourself, then we can’t go to the store together. I’ll drop you back at home and get the groceries myself.”
This won’t always be easy. And it will require a lot more communication – something that’s difficult with someone so critical. But continuing to advocate for yourself and creating fair and clear consequences will help you both.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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