Dear Eric: Our family will be celebrating our mother’s 100th birthday this fall. We were planning on having an open house to include my mom’s only living sister, family and community neighbors to honor a 100-year legacy that doesn’t happen for everyone.
My niece’s son proposed to his girlfriend in February and decided to set a wedding date the same weekend as our mom’s birthday. We are all very upset that they picked that particular weekend. We feel when the calendar came out to pick a date my niece (his mom) should have taken that weekend off the table and told them it was reserved.
My niece suggests that we have the 100th birthday party on Sunday, the day after the wedding. We think that is overkill for one weekend and would overshadow each event that should have their own special time.
I, as well as some others, live out of state. I’m 10 hours away. So, plan B would be to have mom’s celebration the weekend before, which means traveling 40 hours if I want to be there both weekends for my mother’s actual birthday.
I called my niece to see if there could be another weekend for them and she said she didn’t want to interfere. We feel that mom and our plans (that she knew about) have been disrespected. How can we navigate this whole situation? I feel it’s going to be a tense and unhappy event for everyone.
– Disrespected
Dear Disrespected: Your mileage may vary (quite literally) but making a 10-hour trip for the party and then, say, a few weeks later, making the same 10-hour trip for the wedding, had it been rescheduled, sounds much more inconvenient than the plan to have one event on Saturday and the other on Sunday while everyone is in town.
As you start to travel down the branches of a family tree, calendaring gets complicated. Frankly, it can be hard to settle on a compatible date with the people in one’s own house. To plan his wedding, your niece’s son is negotiating with the needs of his immediate family, the extended family and his fiancée’s family. Not to mention venue availability and, that smallest of things: what the actual couple wants. Let’s give them a break.
The wedding isn’t going to steal the thunder of your mother’s remarkable milestone. These events have slightly overlapped guest lists and different purposes, both wonderful. I don’t see disrespect here; I see pragmatism. By embracing the weekend as a double celebration of your family’s past and future, you’ll create more meaningful memories than if you approach it with resentment.
Dear Eric: My husband and I are in our 70s. He works full time, watches a lot of sports, is on his computer a lot and runs around doing errands. I work part time, clean house, cook, do laundry and yard work.
I know my husband loves me, but he doesn’t seem to have any regard for my feelings.
I love my kitchen, but my husband thought it needed a lot of major changes. I said I liked it just the way it was. He started these projects months ago. The kitchen is now a mess and he’s always too tired to work on it. There are other projects, large and small, that never get done.
I’m either going to lose it or run away from home.
– Perplexed About Projects
Dear Perplexed: You’re both doing so much, even the thought of a hard conversation about this kitchen mess is surely exhausting. Just the thought of a half-remodeled kitchen is enough to send me straight to bed. You have my sympathy.
Running away may not be necessary but see if you can figure out a break for yourself. Are there friends or family you can visit? Taking some time away from the construction site – and telling your husband why – will help you breathe easier.
Though your husband might have had the best intentions, intention doesn’t equal impact. And it’ll help both of you if you are kind but clear with him about how this is impacting you. Is it possible for him to get someone in to help him set the kitchen right? Ask him to do so and to give you a realistic timetable for when that’s going to happen. He may see the kitchen as just another item on the to-do list, but this affects your life every day. Share that with him and ask him if he understands. This doesn’t have to be a heated talk, but it should be a goal-oriented one.
If the goal of repairing the kitchen isn’t something that he can make a clear plan for, then you can introduce option B: a discussion about how the family budget can be restructured to allow for takeout every day.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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