On his 100th day in office, it’s been asked if there is anything President Trump could possibly do that would change the vote of those who support him. The president famously once claimed that if he shot someone on Fifth Ave., people would still vote for him (I’m guessing he was referring to Joe Biden). Agreed. The following are all things we would probably be OK with the president doing in the next week or so and still support Donald Trump.
President Trump chooses the new pope, ring-wing conspiracist Laura Loomer. Instead of white smoke billowing from a Vatican rooftop, there will be three gunshots in the general direction of the White House Rose Garden, and hopefully nobody is shot.
Replacing Laura Loomer is a chicken. Like at a country fair, the chicken used to pick choices and make decisions. This would include the chicken having full control of the nuclear button. If things don’t go right, the chicken can just be fired.
The president will declare Nov. 3 a national bank holiday, Joe Biden Was the Worst President of the United States Day.
DOGE eliminates the DMV, the Department of Motor Vehicles; no more driver’s licenses, registrations, car inspections, seatbelts, airbags, motorcycle helmets, guardrails, or driving violations (unless you are a person of color or a woman).
President Trump changes the title of the Ukraine War to The Russian Disagreement and renames that continent, All Okey Dokey.
I’m aboard if the president signs an executive order to eliminate the middle class and gives his son Baron the moon as a birthday present.
His next executive order is to change the name of the Democratic Party to the Clown Scum Party and change their logo from the donkey and a pile of poo poo. At the same time, he changes the Republican Party logo from the elephant to the Monopoly guy. This executive order also includes the mandate to set Canada on fire, rename Mexico, Dumpsterland, and moves everyone in Gaza to Greenland.
Then President Trump sells the White House to Russian real estate investors and changes both February AND June to National Trump History Month.
The president plans to sign an executive order that all national parks must have a golf course and a fracking station. He then hopes to turn Madison Square Garden into a strip joint.
America’s pastime will no longer be baseball but Championship Wrestling. Over the summer, the president will dress as a superhero and competes in Summer Slam for the Undisputed WWE Championship belt. He will go by the name, The Orange Dictator or Trump Vader.
After that is over, but before the new NFL season, the president will fire Andy Reid and make himself the new head coach of the Kansas City Chiefs. Elon Musk will be announced as the Super Bowl halftime performer after Trump fires Bono and makes Musk the new leader singer of U2.
The president files a lawsuit against all the following: all judges and lawyers who have not ruled in his favor in the past month and any college, university or learning institution which either rejected his application when he was young or does not rhyme with Dump University.
He deports George Clooney and the cast of “Saturday Night Live” to Italy.
He selects himself the IOC President, in charge of the Olympics, and only invites easy-to-defeat, puny countries to the Games, like Bermuda or Rhode Island. No transgender athletes will be permitted to participate but it will be the first Olympics that AI robots are allowed to compete in all but any water sports.
He places a petting tariff on cats, hamsters, and all travel support animals that are registered Democrats.
We declare war against the Bahamas, Nova Scotia, and California.
If President Trump started drilling in all playgrounds and zoos. All sandboxes would be switched to coal. Kids who object would be deported to El Salvador or just separated from their parents.
Free speech will switch over to a Pay-Per-View system. Banned from television will be CNN, MSNBC, “Sesame Street,” late-night talk shows and soccer.
All fortune cookies must be written in the United States of America.
If all this happens, I will still pledge my vote for President Donald J. Trump.
Eckstein writes on a 6th-grade level and like half the country is functionally illiterate, this according to the U.S. Department of Education’s National Assessment of Adult Literacy. His latest book is the bestseller, “Footnotes from the Most Fascinating Museums.”
