“I had sex with him last night because I was scared not to.”
Those were the words of a woman shaking at the other end of a Zoom call with me. As a divorce coach, I’ve heard this many times before — but that doesn’t make it any less heartbreaking. “I need to get out but he controls my money and tracks my movements,” she cried. “I’m scared he could hurt me.”
It was my job to validate for her that — even if she doesn’t suffer from physical bruises — what she’s experiencing has a name: coercive control. And, there is a way out.
But the next day, we found ourselves absorbing a verdict in the Sean Combs trial that seemed to ignore this insidious abuse, and imply that victims like Cassie Ventura and “Jane” wanted it and didn’t say no.
I want to ask the jurors: If you were held hostage but knew the only way to survive was to play along and give into your captor’s demands, wouldn’t you do it too?
“Coercive control can be summed up in six words: Do what I say, or else,” said Dr. Emma Katz, a coercive control researcher. “It’s when someone takes control over many different parts of someone else’s life and makes it clear that resistance or standing up for yourself will be punished.”
The Combs verdict found him not guilty of racketeering conspiracy and two counts of sex trafficking by force, fraud or coercion. The jury convicted him of two counts of transportation to engage in prostitution — that could result in a maximum of 10 years for each count. This after hours of harrowing testimony by ex-girlfriends Ventura and “Jane” about the intimidation and sexual coercion they suffered at the hands of Combs.
Ventura’s attorney, Douglas H. Wigdor, told the press: “By coming forward with her experience, Cassie has left an indelible mark on both the entertainment industry and the fight for justice.” Without Ventura’s 2023 civil case against Combs, which she testified she settled for $20 million, this conviction would likely never have happened.
But this purported “win” rings hollow for many. As a domestic abuse survivor, who helps women escape, I am one of them.
“The jury apparently couldn’t see that perpetrators can use fear and punishments to create such a state of fear that consent becomes meaningless,” said Katz.
Coercive control is a pattern of domination — psychological, financial and sometimes physical — that traps victims in invisible prison cells and can devastate their lives. As clinical psychologist Dr. Susanne Lohmann found, survivors can be diagnosed with complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, depression and other trauma for years to come. While a handful of states have codified coercive control in their domestic abuse laws, only Hawaii has criminalized it as a misdemeanor since 2021.
“Diddy was clapping when the verdict was rendered, which shows absolutely no remorse,” said Keisha Gatison, who runs a nonprofit for women who have been incarcerated in Connecticut. “They almost never report abuse for fear of further contact with law enforcement.” Add to that the fact that a 2025 study by University of Wisconsin-Madison Prof. Chloe Grace Hart found that a Black woman is deemed less credible than a white woman when reporting sexual harassment.
The truth is, this system was never designed to protect women. It was designed to preserve male power. From criminal courts to family courts, survivors are expected to prove the impossible while their abusers hide behind image, influence and intimidation. While I do coach many high-net-worth divorce clients, others are not. You don’t need Combs’ power and money to be an abuser.
Washington attorney Lindsay Lieberman, who represents sex crime victims, called this a “gutting moment for survivors.”
“Victims are expected to be ‘perfect’ in how they respond to abuse — leaving at the right time, reporting immediately, never expressing conflicting emotions and never complying under fear or pressure,” Lieberman said. “But coercive control destroys that binary. Abusers manipulate victims into submission and self-blame, and then the system uses that compliance to doubt their credibility and excuse the abuse of the powerful.”
Like me, she hopes this moment fuels a collective outrage.
For my client, who disappeared when she thought she heard her husband coming, it’s about finding people who can aid her escape. “I know I have to get out,” she said when she returned.
If you or someone you love is experiencing coercive control, reach out for help. I see you. I believe you. And, there’s a whole world of us out here ready to support you.
Polacko is a domestic abuse survivor, divorce coach and journalist who is the co-author of “Framed: Women in the Family Court Underworld.”
