Dear Eric: My son is divorced and has a contentious relationship with his ex-wife. They have three children together. I have left occasional communication open with his ex regarding my grandchildren due to my son’s lack of communication. If it weren’t for her, I would have missed important events in my grandchildren’s lives.
My son has a significant other living with him, and they feel it is disrespectful and hurtful, to both of them, to speak with his ex. I was told that I cannot have a relationship with them if I speak her name (the ex) in their presence even when speaking to the children.
My son insists that “everyone” agrees that I should never speak to my ex-daughter-in-law in any circumstance as it is not appropriate. What is your take on this situation?
– Tired of it All
Dear Tired: Your son’s edict about his ex’s name is too extreme. She’s the mother of his children; she’s not going to stop existing. I worry about the negative atmosphere this creates for their children. Not to mention the way it’s impacting you. This kind of behavior suggests that he’s not navigating his divorce in a healthy way.
But unfortunately, that’s a problem he needs to solve on his own.
By continuing to communicate with his ex, you risk creating a whole separate problem in your own relationship with him. Focus instead on the immediate need: you want to be a part of your grandchildren’s lives, and you need him to communicate with you better so that you can do it.
Don’t make this a quid pro quo situation, i.e., you’ll stop talking to the ex if he tells you more things. Respect the (admittedly toxic) boundary he’s set, and work on finding ways that you and he can work together to bolster your relationship with your grandkids. Think specifically about what you’re asking for – is it about making sure you’re aware of important dates? Is it about getting updates on their progress? Is it about making sure you have specific time with them? Knowing what you want will help guide the conversation to a productive space.
Dear Eric: My husband and I have a wonderful son, daughter-in-law, and two lovely young grandkids, all of whom live nearby. I babysit the children several times a week and host family dinner nights often. Occasionally, we help financially with purchases of items. Their place is quite small and not suitable for entertaining; they’re both gainfully employed but can’t afford a larger place right now.
We’ve been asked to host events for them on several occasions. We have the time, space, means and willingness to do so, and give our best efforts.
My problem is that there is never any expression of gratitude except for general notes on greeting cards a couple times a year. This lack of acknowledgment largely extends to birthday and holiday gifts as well. A simple “thanks for hosting Steven’s birthday party for 18 people” or “that new appliance is really helping” would be enough.
I feel taken for granted. But I also remember attending events at my in-laws’ house decades ago and never thought to send thank-you notes or call afterward. I guess I just figured it was their pleasure and duty as grandparents. Are we expecting too much? Is this just the way things are? Should I just appreciate that we have a good family and the ability to help with gifts and gatherings and let go of any resentment for the lack of acknowledgment?
– Sad Nana and Pop
Dear Nana and Pop: They should absolutely be thanking you, at the least, if not also offering to lighten the load of hosting. Yes, it can be easy for these gestures to fall into the cadence of family life and, thereby, get taken for granted. But that doesn’t make it OK.
To prevent this feeling from becoming a bigger obstacle, talk about it with your son and daughter-in-law. One opportunity may be at the next ask but it may be less charged to do so beforehand. Offer a gentle but clear reminder that you’re happy to host but that it takes work. Tell them that you know that they appreciate the work, but that it’s nice to have it acknowledged.
Look, I want to make it plain that having to ask for a “thank you” when gratitude should be expressed easily and often is a burden. It’s more work for you. But a slightly uncomfortable conversation is better than resentment. You might even suggest a way that you’d like to receive thanks. “After the next party, it would be great to send us some flowers so that we have something to remind us of the wonderful time we had.” Sometimes people need a nudge to do the right thing.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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