Dear Eric: My husband has been having an affair with a neighbor two doors down. Not only have I caught them multiple times, but I also confronted both separately, and recorded video and audio after telling them I would.
He said he wanted to take a polygraph; he failed on every question, on two separate polygraphs by two separate companies.
I’m unable to work due to my health issues and have no family or close friends to help me get out.
My main problem is he swears that I’m making it up, verbally abuses me, and tells me I am crazy. By the way, she is also married, and her husband refuses to “allow me” to tell him what is happening. It’s been going on for more than 10 years now. I’m broken and not just monetarily and have no options. No money, no job, no hope.
Please, give me a miracle suggestion.
– Emotionally Dead
Dear Emotionally: This is a terrible situation. I understand the stress and pain you’ve been through; it’s not right and you shouldn’t have to endure it. While I’m short on miracles, a more earthbound but potentially effective solution would be to talk to a divorce lawyer. You don’t have to stay in a marriage that’s unhealthy for you, for any reason. And even though you don’t have income, as a married person you have shared assets. Depending on the divorce laws in your state, and the other circumstances of your marriage, you could also be entitled to spousal support or other forms of support that can keep you afloat. A divorce lawyer can and will listen to your story and review your options with you.
As you say, you have evidence as well. So, conceivably, you’d be able to file for divorce on the grounds of infidelity. But, again, even without evidence, the most important fact is that you’re unhappy. You don’t have to put up with verbal abuse, being called crazy or any other forms of spousal betrayal. In addition to contacting a divorce lawyer, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org, 800-799-SAFE). Verbal abuse is abuse and there are people and organizations available to help you escape it. Operators at the hotline can point you to resources in your area.
Dear Eric: My husband and I have four children; our eldest has cut herself out of our lives for almost 15 years now. I’ve tried to reconnect with her, and our three grandchildren, on three different occasions with a lot of pain and upset.
Initially, everything was targeted at me and, eventually, it was all the fault of us, her parents. She wasn’t ever loved or supported by us, always having to look after her brothers. The story grew legs when she discussed us with my family and my husband’s family, so neither family speaks to us.
I found this very upsetting as I had given up work after my second child was born. Recently, we were on a flight and my son-in-law and grandson were on the same flight. When he was getting off the plane, he made sure we didn’t get to see our grandson, who wouldn’t recognize us anyway.
We’ve grown used to just trying to get on with our lives as best we can. Looking at making a will, we’re not sure if we can completely cut her out of inheriting anything of ours. We’re not flush with money but we get by.
I just can’t stand the thought of her ever having anything of mine/ours. Am I being over the top?
– Rejected Parents
Dear Parents: This doesn’t strike me as over the top. Wills are often used as extensions of the relationships we have in life. So, it makes sense that your will would reflect the fracture in your relationship with your daughter.
Some people also use wills to try to express the inexpressible or unsaid. But intentions can be misunderstood with no way of clarifying. While making this decision about the will may resolve some questions you have about your legacy, it may not give you closure or resolution.
As described, the treatment you received was cruel. While the pain of it can’t be fully remedied, you may find some solace – and eventually something like closure – in focusing on your own healing, rather than remaining preoccupied with the will. In the book “Done with the Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Adult Children,” Sheri McGregor references a 2011 study that showed that the feeling of reflecting on past rejections can be interpreted by the brain in the same way as physical pain. Reading books like McGregor’s and talking to a therapist who has experience with family estrangement may help you to, as you write, get on with your lives. It won’t be the same, but you may be able to proceed with less pain.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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