Dear Eric: I’ve been married to a great guy for the better part of 30 years. We are empty nesters, and during Covid-19, I agreed to help my male cousin who became homeless.
I knew my husband wasn’t wild about the idea, but he didn’t fuss about it, so we let him move in. Fast-forward five years: he’s still living with us.
I figured I could use the money, so I made him pay rent. A few days ago, I got home before my husband and decided to wait for him to get home in bed undressed. That’s something we do often. To my surprise, he was mad at me and accused me of sleeping with my cousin. I was so crushed. I couldn’t believe it. I can’t stop crying. I can’t believe he thought so little of me.
I feel like my relationship is shipwrecked. Of course, I asked my cousin to leave immediately but I can’t bring myself to hold my husband close to me anymore. Why can’t he understand why I’m so hurt?
– Wrongly Accused
Dear Accused: This idea, incorrect as it is, likely took root in your husband’s mind long before the blowup. And since he didn’t talk about it with you, it had plenty of time to fester and flourish until it was overwhelming. I can’t say why he would believe this in the first place or why he wouldn’t bring it up earlier in an attempt to clear the air. I’m sorry that you and your cousin had to suffer for it.
What you and your husband need right now is a clear, calm conversation that can help to chip away at the story he’s created in his mind and lead you both to the root of the issue. That’s going to be very hard to do without a third party guiding you, listening to you and helping you listen to each other. That third party might be a therapist, a religious leader or a friend who is skilled at remaining neutral and asking questions.
Lay out the basic truth: you’re hurt, and he’s upset and neither of you wants to feel this way. You may want to reinforce that you’re not trying to set him up or convince him. You’re trying to create a space that’s safe enough for both of you to hear each other and move forward.
Dear Eric: For more than 30 years my husband and I hosted extended family, friends and neighbors for multiple occasions every year, including Christmas Day with gifts, kid’s birthdays, bridal and baby showers and our daughters’ milestones.
Also, every year we threw a big Fourth of July party and included our neighbors with swimming, barbecue and tickets to our town’s fireworks event where I brought desserts and coffee, etc.
These occasions were wonderful, and everyone always seemed to have a great time, however, planning, preparing and hosting all of these events with both of us working full time was extremely stressful and costly.
After 30 years, we decided that we were done playing host, with the exception of our daughters’ families.
Now we hardly ever see these former guests and when we do the typical comment is “Where have you been hiding?” or “Is everything OK – we have not heard from you?” as if something is wrong with us. We are stymied as to how to respond in a manner that lets people know we have been fine but decided it was time for someone else to host the get-togethers. I would love your advice.
– Hosting No More
Dear Hosting: Agh, the curse of the good host. You’re so diligent about throwing parties, that others around you come to expect it. And when you don’t do it, no one else steps up because, well, they were having too much fun eating your food and celebrating your milestones.
Social gatherings really thrive on good communication and clear direction. Think of how name tags can facilitate easy conversation at a mixer or clear signage can help everyone end up in the right place at the right time for a surprise party. When people ask where you’ve been, it’ll be helpful for you to tell them you’ve retired from the party business and encourage them to invite you to their gatherings. “We miss seeing you. Maybe you can host us sometime.”
This might feel forward, but people often need a little push or a little permission. And this isn’t you inviting yourselves over. The others can always say no.
I would even go a step further and send out a little card – maybe at a holiday, maybe whenever it comes to mind. Think of it as a reverse invitation that says, “We’ve stepped back from hosting, but we still want to see you. We invite you to invite us; we’ll bring dessert.”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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