Dear Eric: Twenty-six years ago, my mother worked with a married woman who was pregnant with her fourth child but couldn’t afford to add another child to her family. My sister and husband had a son and wanted a daughter. My mom arranged for the two women to meet, and my sister adopted the baby.
For some reason, unbeknownst to the rest of the family, my sister and her husband decided not to tell her daughter that she was adopted. Therefore, everyone in our family has kept the adoption knowledge to ourselves.
My question is, should I ask my mom for the birth mother’s information, name and address? My reasoning is that my mom is now 85 and my sister and her husband are in poor health. I believe my sister has destroyed all documents regarding the adoption, so I doubt any paperwork would be discovered by my niece after her passing.
If my niece ever questioned her heritage, then I would have some information to share with her. I’m struggling because on one hand I think this is none of my business and on the other hand I think my niece deserves to know the truth when or if the time comes. I would not initiate the conversation.
– Struggling for Truth
Dear Truth: Ask for the information. Your sister and her husband put your whole family in an unfair position by making this a lifelong secret. Like all of us, your niece deserves to know her own history and she should be able to choose whether or not she wants a connection with her birth family.
While DNA testing wasn’t prevalent 26 years ago, it’s quite common now. I’ve heard many stories of people finding out new information about their families of origin or discovering family members of whom they weren’t previously aware. Your niece could find out she’s not related to her parents by blood at any time. So, it’s best that someone in the family is able to answer the questions she’s bound to have.
You might also talk to your sister and brother-in-law about your plans. Even ask for their support. This isn’t meant to force them into doing something they don’t want to do. But knowing that you’ll be able to bridge the gap in your niece’s knowledge may prompt them to have a conversation with their daughter while they still have time.
Dear Eric: There are a group of us (five or six) who play a tile game regularly each week. While we are all friends – sharing stories, food, life events, etc. – there is one person who continually monopolizes the game.
She will hold the bag of tiles during her turn and talk, not passing it until she is done. While this is a social time, if you are waiting to play (and also hard of hearing) it becomes a nuisance.
Recently she has also started reading her email during the game, actually talking about each one and clicking a reply to each. This is while others are playing. Then, of course, when it’s her turn, she looks up from her phone to tell a story and then plan her move.
I must confess I seem to be the only one annoyed by her behavior, so maybe I just need to let it go? Any suggestions?
– Turn the Other Tile
Dear Tile: Oh my, this would annoy me, too. Especially the reading and replying to emails during game play. How interesting could these emails really be?
Even if it’s not evidently bothering other members, it’s affecting you so there’s little harm in inquiring about it.
Sometimes I like to approach these … let’s say, quirks in personalities with curiosity first. So, you might talk to her one on one and say, “I’ve noticed that you check email while we’re playing the tile game. Is there a reason?” Maybe there isn’t a reason, but it opens up a conversation. Yes, you could go up to her and say, “It’s annoying when you do this,” but there’s only a few potential responses to that and most of them aren’t hostile.
Starting with a question also sets you up to let it go if need be. Maybe it’s just how she likes to keep her mind occupied or helps her concentrate. Maybe she doesn’t see it in the same way you do. Context, I find, is often a steppingstone to acceptance.
That said, if it’s so distracting to you that it impedes your game play, it’s also fine to ask her to pull it back a bit or to find other ways of engaging with the game. The group gathers for social interaction and to pass the time, so it’s fair for you to advocate for what you need to make the social time truly enjoyable.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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