Dear Eric: My boyfriend and I are in our early 80s. I am divorced and his wife died over two and a half years ago; we have been dating slightly more than a year. We do not plan to marry, but we are in a lifelong, committed relationship. We feel blessed to have found each other at our age.
My family and friends have warmly welcomed him into their lives and even my ex-husband thinks he is wonderful.
He has two daughters, 29 and 39. His daughters have let him know that they have no interest in ever meeting me. He is very fond of both of them and is hurt that they are not happy that he has found joy in his relationship with me. This makes me sad.
My friends tell me that I need to let this go. My question to you is, should my boyfriend say anything to these daughters, or should he let it go, as my friends advise me to do?
– Rejected by Daughters
Dear Rejected by Daughters: While this response is sad, it’s also understandable. The daughters are likely still processing their grief and struggling to see their father as a full, complex human being who is able to still love their mother while also loving you. This can be a hard transition. But neither you nor your boyfriend should let that stop you from continuing to experience this love.
I’m inclined to agree with your friends. Let them work through this on their own. Your boyfriend can’t accelerate their processing. If he says anything, the focus should be on how the three of them can continue to have a loving relationship while also respecting each other’s boundaries. They can protect their hearts without hurting his.
Dear Eric: My best friend of nearly 50 years has been diagnosed with cancer, and the prognosis isn’t good. Naturally, I want to support her, but she’s making it very challenging.
I just spoke with her on the phone to check in, and she got angry with me over something incredibly simple. I had asked about her pain level during her treatment that day and expressed how sorry I was that she had to endure such pain.
She told me that if I asked questions like that, she wouldn’t be able to talk to me during her treatment. It’s clear she wants me in her life; I was the second person she called to talk about her diagnosis, and after our recent conversation, she even asked me to spend the day with her.
However, growing up, I was often degraded by my older sister, and I have zero patience for that kind of treatment now. A couple of years ago, my friend raised her voice at me. I’d made a minor mistake – it felt completely blindsiding and didn’t make sense to me. I was so stunned that I mostly stayed quiet for the rest of our trip, just listening and giving simple responses.
My immediate reaction both times my friend acted this way was to cut ties with her. I know this sounds petty, especially given her current health situation.
How do I handle it when she reacts this way again? It’s worth noting that she doesn’t treat other people this way, not even her husband.
– Friend or Foe?
Dear Friend: It sounds like your friend has a way of responding to stress that, unfortunately but understandably, triggers you, making a sharp response hurt even more. It will help you to remember that, even when she responds in a way that’s less than kind, she’s not your sister and the response doesn’t bring with it all the baggage of that relationship.
In this recent instance, she communicated how she didn’t want to be engaged with regarding her cancer treatment. However, it’ll help both of you to figure out what she does want. So, ask her. “Last time, I said something that struck you the wrong way. I don’t want to do that, and I don’t want to have conflict between us. Are there things that would be helpful for me to ask about or things that you’d like me to steer clear of?”
By working from a generative place, you keep the conversation more positive, and you also open up the door to ask her for what you need. As you know, this is an emotionally devastating experience, so she may not be able to be herself in her responses. Try to extend her more grace. If and when your feelings get bruised, put her responses in the context of everything else that is going on in her life. This will help you set up good internal boundaries. She’s asking for you to be there for her and I think you’d regret not doing so.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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