Dear Eric: I am a clergy person with a comfortable office/study at the church building. I love the space. It’s where the great bulk of my work gets done.
I also love my wife.
But she is pretty boundaryless regarding my office space. This is problematic for a few reasons. One is that I often have confidential information about parishioners on my desk. Sometimes, notes on financial aid we’ve given or notes on a pastoral counseling situation.
These things are not lying out in the open, but my spouse will come into the office and, as she talks, will casually flip through paperwork on my desk. It’s not cool.
I understand that the pastor’s office/study is a unique space where many people come and expect to feel right at home, but she is constantly coming in, moving things, using it for her own storage, or making “suggestions” or criticisms about the decor. (In general, her things expand to fill the available space at home and in her classroom, too.)
I’ve tried every kind way I can to address the concern I have with all of this. But it leads to defensiveness and arguments. What advice would you give a guy who just wants his office to be his office?
—Seeking Sanctuary
Dear Sanctuary: Put a lock on the door.
If you’ve got confidential material in the office, it’s probably a good idea for it to be secured, anyway. I’m a little hazy about why she has so much access to the office – is she coming from home to the church on a regular basis? Or do you also live at the church? Either way, it’s simply not communal married property; it belongs to your job. She can respect that or she can learn how to pick a lock.
That said, a lock only solves part of the problem. The larger issue is that your wife is showing a profound lack of respect for your job, your space and the privacy of your parishioners. This is dangerous for your church and also for your marriage.
At this point, I’d suggest you talk it through in marriage counseling. If she’s responding with defensiveness about moving things into your office and looking at papers, you’ve asked her not to, it’s hard to see a path forward without a neutral third party who can help sort out what’s going on. As you well know, a counselor can help you both hear each other more clearly and, ideally, can help her see the problem and choose other behaviors.
Dear Eric: My spouse and I have been married for three years. My spouse’s ex still has my spouse displayed publicly in their social media profile picture. They have been asked repeatedly to remove the photo, and they have refused to do so.
The reason that this is such an issue is because my spouse’s ex was extremely abusive and yet accused my spouse of every terrible thing under heaven during the divorce in order to get as much alimony as possible. This person made the entire process so much longer and so much more painful than it needed to be, and yet still has the audacity to keep my spouse on display. I find it sick and disturbing. What action can we take to get this photo removed from my spouse’s social media?
– Concerned Spouse
Dear Concerned: Legal protections regarding online photos can vary by state, so your best option is to consult an attorney who can tell you if there is any recourse. This could be a violation of privacy or harassment.
However, continuing to be engaged with this person, even indirectly through an attorney, sounds like it’s only going to bring more strife into your life. If the pictures aren’t inappropriate, one option is to block the ex. Even if the ex is pretending to friends that the divorce didn’t happen, it’s not up to you to convince the ex that it did. It may bring you more peace to cut the ex out of your proverbial picture.
Dear Eric: Can you cast any light on sending money with sympathy cards? I have never heard of that in my 77 years of life. Personally, I would feel insulted if somebody put money in a sympathy card. It’s as if they’re attaching a monitory amount of money to their sympathy.
– Sympathy Query
Dear Sympathy: While certainly not a requirement, some people put money in sympathy cards as a gesture of support. Funerals can be costly, even with insurance, and there are a lot of ancillary expenses that come up. The intention isn’t to put an amount on sympathy, but rather to lend a helping hand when needed. But, if it doesn’t make you feel comfortable, you don’t have to accept it, or you can donate it.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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