Dear Eric: My husband and I have just returned from a driving trip in the Southwest. Several days ago, he was standing in a fast-food line when another man started a conversation with him. When the man asked, “where is home for you?” My husband responded by saying “Los Angeles.” The other man said, “I’m so sorry for you.”
This is not the first time we have received a negative reaction to our hometown. I have been seething ever since this happened and can’t get it out of my mind.
We have lived in a number of places during our 50-year marriage, and we choose to live in the Los Angeles area because we love it.
There are many places that I would not want to live but I would never mention that if I was in a conversation with a person from one of those places. How did our nation become so rude and who thinks it is all right to insult someone’s home? Please advise me on a polite response to this situation should it come up again (it will).
– Loving L.A.
Dear Loving: I agree; L.A. is great. But even if I didn’t agree, who cares what I or anyone else who doesn’t live there thinks? As a native Baltimorean, I’m very used to people responding to my hometown with grim assessments born out of overblown headlines, political point-scoring or just plain ignorance. My favorite retort comes from an essay in Samantha Irby’s latest collection, “Quietly Hostile.” She writes about a person who insisted on telling her that they didn’t like something she enjoyed. “I arranged my face into something resembling cheerfulness and said, in my highest octave, ‘I like it!’”
I love that. Simple, short, unarguable. What are they going to do, tell you you don’t like it?
When a random person tells you they’re “sorry” you live in L.A., they’re trying to goad you into a debate or shame you for your choices. Condolences rejected!
Refuse to take the bait and tell them “Well, I love it!” Sure, they can point out things that are wrong with the city, but you don’t have to get down in the conversational muck. You are at peace with your choice. You like it!
Dear Eric: I have been in a long-term relationship for seven years with a man who I love dearly, but who is troubled. When we’re on good terms we’re great, but our lows are like rock bottom.
I think his depression (not formally diagnosed because he refuses to go to therapy) causes him to lash out at me, and I’m constantly left feeling as if I’m not supportive or understanding. This has led me to tolerate issues and behaviors from him that I should not be tolerating.
I stepped into my career and became more financially stable, but he chose to turn down promotion opportunities to pursue his passion. That left me carrying more of the financial responsibility that we initially agreed to split 50/50. Now we have moved away from home and family to live in an area with a lower cost of living so that we could be on more even ground financially.
A recent argument between us broke me and I ended the relationship. I can’t help but feel like I’ve given up too soon. I’ve talked this over with friends and they tell me his behavior was manipulative, his insecurity is getting in his own way and that I deserve better. But I really wanted it to be him.
Despite the heartache, I’ve learned so much about what it means to love someone with their flaws and be loved despite my flaws too. I’m just afraid I’m making the wrong choice. But I’m not sure I even recognize myself anymore. What do I do?
– Grieving the Dream
Dear Dream: Sometimes relationships offer us life lessons to take with us to the next relationship. That could be a relationship with a new person or a deeper, new relationship with ourselves. What I see in your letter is someone (you) who has tried hard to make things work and who has taken on more than her share of a relationship’s weight at times. In return, you’ve been met with resistance and, as your friends pointed out, manipulation.
It can be demoralizing to try to set a relative or partner up to help themselves and watch them refuse.
But your best path forward is forward. I’m struck by your ability to recognize your own growth and the lessons you get to take from this relationship.
Listen to that voice inside you that said you’d had enough. If you give it space and attention, it will grow stronger and more confident. And, in time, it will become your voice as you get to know yourself again.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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