Dear Eric: I’m a grown woman in a healthy relationship with two children of my own, and I can’t stand being around my dad. I’m resentful of him for a childhood full of emotional abuse that I feel has stunted my personal development. I’m working hard to get through that and reach my fullest potential, but I still really can’t stand being around him.
I think he is the most annoying and uninteresting person I’ve ever met, not just because he’s my abuser. I think plenty of my friends and family agree. He constantly monologues about his own interests for hours on end and redirects every conversation to one of his interests.
The problem is he’s still married to my mother and they’re in a very unhealthy codependent relationship. I love my mom and want to stay in touch with her. It’s just that he has to come, too. I’m in a horrible place emotionally whenever he’s in the room; he’s a real energy vacuum. What do you recommend?
– Preserving My Peace
Dear Peace: Let’s redefine what staying in touch with your mother means. From your letter, I surmise that, ideally, you’d like to visit and have her visit you. Is it possible, at least for a short while, to move the contact to phone calls? This would allow you to focus on your mother without having to avoid your father.
Your mother may also be suffering emotional abuse similar to the abuse you experienced, so as you determine the best way to keep in touch with her, it’s important not to place blame on her for the situation she’s in. Having a space to talk privately can help both of you get some relief from your father and could open the door that enables her to reach out for help.
When people work with a therapist to recover from codependency, one of the tactics they employ is learning how to reparent themselves. This means acknowledging and healing the childhood traumas and wounds that contribute to an adulthood marked by feelings of shame and unworthiness, among other difficult emotions. But it’s not your job to reparent your mother. Indeed, it’ll be healthiest for you to keep a healthy internal boundary around trying to “fix” things for her. A modified communication plan will feel different initially and it may take longer than you’d like for it to feel “normal.” But in a space free of your father’s monologues, little touchpoints of communication can build to something meaningful and healing.
Dear Eric: I have been divorced for nearly 10 years. My ex-husband had an affair when I was a new mother and abandoned me after 16 years of marriage.
At this point we share an 11-year-old daughter. He married the other woman last summer, and they treat me terribly.
Family members and strangers feel strongly that I should be friends with him.
This is extremely hurtful and confounding. Why is it my responsibility to mend the relationship? He should apologize to me.
He won’t, and I need to move on.
What advice do you have for not letting these judgey-wudgies bother me?
– Proud Single Mom
Dear Mom: Let me be the first stranger to tell you that you don’t have to be friends with this man. You can be cordial, if you want, for the sake of the co-parenting relationship. But friendship is a two-way street and he’s on a different block. If he hasn’t made amends for how he hurt you and is continuing to treat you terribly, there’s nothing on which to build a relationship.
People love to have opinions about how we should live our lives. These people – family and strangers alike – have invented a scenario in their minds that doesn’t have a thing to do with your reality. So, when they make their comments to you, remind yourself that they’re writing fan fiction and turn your mind back to the facts.
Fact: You’re trying to be the best mom you can be and part of that involves modeling healthy boundaries in relationships for your daughter. This is such a valuable lesson.
I know that it can be hard to not let these judgments worm their way in. But remember that if they’re pressing you to carry the weight of a friendship with your ex, they’re not speaking with your best interests in mind. Ask yourself who this would benefit. It’s not you and it doesn’t sound like it would meaningfully benefit your daughter either. You may wonder why they even care so much. It’s a fair question, but one that you may never answer. Best to pay closer attention to the opinions of those who do care about you, have your best interests in mind and, most importantly, ask you what you want to do rather than tell you what you should do.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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