Dear Eric: I am newly in love and engaged. My fiancé and I are both in our early 70s. Quite a few of my friends (not my close friends but others) have responded to the news with: how cute! Somehow the fact that we have fallen in love and plan to marry is “cute.”
I find this infantilizing, as if we were small children playing dress-up. I realize that people are happy for us and that the marriage of two people past 70 is unexpected and startling in a pleasant way. But cute? Would anyone call an impending marriage of two 35-year-olds cute? Am I being over-sensitive about ageism? And can you come up with a response?
– Engaged at Any Age
Dear Engaged: Congratulations. I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive, per se. But I think people tend to lump a lot of love relationships into the cute category. It can be shorthand for something unexpected but lovely. I’ve heard people use it to talk about teenagers in love, coworkers, seniors and long-lost friends. That said, thinking it’s unexpected to find love past 70 is ageist.
Bottom line: if it doesn’t sit right with you, that’s all that matters.
Try coming up with another descriptor. Something that matches the way you feel. “Oh, we don’t think it’s cute. We think it’s [fill in the blank].” It could be “passionate,” “romantic,” “right on time” or anything else you choose. You get to define your relationship.
Dear Eric: One of my son’s former classmates still keeps in touch with me. She and my son haven’t been in touch in more than 10 years, but she continues to call and invites me to both her daughters’ birthday parties.
I’m not sure why she wants to stay in touch. Both she and my son have married others, and I had hoped she would develop new friendships. I really don’t want to encourage her, and I don’t think she has many friends. Even though I don’t go out of my way to attend the events, I don’t think she has any idea I’m not interested in remaining in touch.
I don’t want to hurt her feelings, and I hope she will soon move on. Any advice?
– Former Friend
Dear Friend: I am so curious what started this friendship. Were you ever close or did she just start reaching out and capitalized on your politeness? Why is she calling a former classmate’s parent in the first place?
If she doesn’t have any idea you don’t want to stay in touch, then you have to give her an idea, unfortunately. You can redefine your relationship kindly, but no matter how gently you do it, she may still have hurt feelings. Nevertheless, if it’s weighing on you, you should follow through. There’s nothing unkind about making it clear what you can and cannot do.
Something short and to the point will work: “I appreciate the invitation, but I won’t be available to come to the parties in the future.” Or even more directly, “It’s been a long time since high school. Let’s go our separate ways. I wish you all the best.”
Dear Eric: My husband has a longtime friend who makes plans with him/us, for outings, weekends and even holidays, and then cancels a few days before the event. This is actually one of my biggest pet peeves and it annoys me very much.
If you say you’re going to do something you should do it, unless there is some type of emergency. I see my husband disappointed each time and he’s becoming reluctant to ask this friend to join us on excursions just to avoid having to alter plans yet again due to this friend’s unreliability.
I cannot say anything to this person; it’s my husband’s friend and I prefer to stay out of that dynamic. But maybe I can leave a copy of this letter in print with your suggestions on the table the next time he actually shows up.
– Tired of Canceled Plans
Dear Canceled Plans: One of the benefits of friendship is getting to see ourselves from the vantage point of someone who knows all our tics and trips and accepts us anyway. So, your husband should say – seriously or jovially, whichever feels most comfortable – that he’d invite the friend to more things, but he can’t risk getting canceled on. Even a semi-serious “is this a real ‘yes’ or a ‘yes’ that is going to turn into a ‘no’?” can help broach the subject.
Your husband’s friend needs to respect his time and the effort your husband puts into making social plans. The friend may not realize this, but by canceling so much, he’s telling the husband that their friendship isn’t as valuable to him. Surely that’s not what he means. But actions speak louder than RSVPs.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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