Dear Eric: I’m 35 years old with a dad who is 67. We talk frequently about business, sports and politics. We talk just by ourselves and as a group with my wife and mother.
The issue is that my dad asks me questions that are simple to look up online. They very often do not relate to the conversation and are silly.
I have brought up my issue with him doing this before and his response is “it gives us something to talk about” and that there would be nothing to talk about if we lived by the motto “don’t ask it if you can find the answer on Google.”
He has the newest iPhone and knows how to use it well. When he asks me questions, if I don’t know the answer, I google it and share, but I get frustrated. After one or two times I get short and want to end the conversation quickly. Any advice to make our conversations more stress free is much appreciated.
– Not Google
Dear Not Google: Flawed though his methods may seem, I think your dad’s heart is in the right place and I’d encourage you to think about it in a different way. Though you have a good conversational relationship, there’s still clearly something in him that feels the need to add more material to keep the conversation going. Maybe it’s something that’s really lacking in your talks, maybe it comes from an insecurity that he has. It’s not for me to say. But try to think of these questions as offerings. He wants to engage with you, and that’s a gift.
Now, not all gifts are what we want, exactly. See if you can find some interest in the search for answers. Try asking him questions about the results or ask him to find it and inform you instead. There’s also something to be said for a long deep dive into Wikipedia. A simple question like “Who was Princess Grace of Monaco married to?” can lead to all manner of other factoids and curiosities. So, maybe the next time he asks, give him the simple answer and follow-up with some trivia that fascinates you.
Most importantly, however, every time you find yourself getting annoyed, see if you can reframe the request in your mind. It may help if you think of every benign question as a way of your father saying, “I like talking to you and I want to keep doing it.”
Dear Eric: My 98-year-old father is living with dementia. Because it isn’t advanced, he is painfully aware that his memory is failing him. He often recounts things – past and present – that aren’t true. Following advice from the Alzheimer’s Association, our immediate family practices “therapeutic fibbing”: we accept whatever he says as fact to preserve his dignity.
It’s a difficult tightrope to walk, but the hardest part isn’t the caregiving – it’s the silence. Several of Dad’s lifelong friends have stopped calling. I think they feel uncomfortable with the conversations, which, in all honesty, are not always easy. He misses them and has begun to worry he did something wrong to drive them away.
My gut tells me to call these friends and give them a piece of my mind. I’d rather they skip his eventual funeral and just give him five minutes of their time now. Since “shaming” them probably isn’t the best strategy, how can I encourage these old friends to re-engage with a man who needs them now more than ever?
I am hopeful that my Dad’s friends, or others, read this column as a wakeup call to reach out to those who may be suffering in similar situations
– Caring for Dad
Dear Caring: You’re right, shaming may not be the most effective strategy here. Instead, transparency might be the way. Try calling your father’s friends, giving them a full picture of what’s going on – as much as you feel comfortable while still preserving your dad’s dignity and privacy. Then make a specific ask: “I know that these conversations aren’t always easy and might even be painful, but can you call my dad this week and talk for a few minutes? He needs the connection and he’s benefited from your friendship. Is that something you can commit to for him?”
By making it plain, you are helping to disentangle some of the complicated emotions that they may be having – frustration, maybe, grief, guilt – and giving them what is hopefully an easy yes. I also want to note that what you’re doing is a gift for your father, of course, but it’s also a gift for his friends. Often, as you noted, we don’t know how to support friends who are ailing. But it’s important for everyone to remember that it’s better to ask than to avoid.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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