Dear Eric: I’ve been with my husband 25 years, married the last seven. We have children from prior marriages, and I have six grandchildren.
He was abused as a child and has worked in therapy to process it, but then stopped. He lost one grandma early and had no bond with his other. I had great grandmas and therefore enjoy the grandparent roles. He appears jealous and negative at family events unless he is the center of attention.
I notice my children reaching out to him to connect. He is very successful in his career and likes admiration. I am connected to his children and acknowledge their needs, making sure they are noted when they visit. They are younger and don’t have kids yet.
My children lost their father years ago and encourage his grandpa role, but my husband is jealous of their deceased father. Yesterday we attended my grandson’s birthday party, and he was sullen and pushed to leave early. He’s not speaking to me today to punish me. I do not reinforce this childish behavior by begging his attention. I continue to enjoy life, remain cordial and connect with others. I have my life and career at 70 but he puts a damper on joy.
– Joyful Grandmother
Dear Joyful: Good for you for not putting up with this behavior. It sounds like you’ve done a lot of work to understand where he’s coming from and to help him to feel comfortable. But some of his behavior bears the hallmarks of emotional abuse, which puts this in a different category.
Specifically, his jealousy, his push to have you both leave a family gathering, and now the silent treatment. He may not have the tools to handle the emotions he’s feeling, but he needs to know that these tactics put you and your relationship in danger.
Though he didn’t have good grandparent or parental relationships, there are resources available to help him break the cycle and learn new tools. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) has steps to take and advocates who can help him navigate a change. Restarting therapy, with a focus on the way his behavior is impacting his family is also a good option that he should definitely take.
It’s important that you have the support you need to continue to feel the joy of parenthood and grandparenthood. Please don’t be afraid to reach out to a friend or the Hotline to share what’s going on and get help in talking to your husband.
Dear Eric: I am in my early 70s and most of my friends are also in their 70s. I forget things now and so do my friends. But some are forgetting way more than others. So, when I talk to a friend, and they respond to something I have said before as if it were new, what do I say?
Often it is something we discussed as opposed to mentioned. And often it has been discussed more than once. It seems to be every time I talk to one friend in particular. Most of the forgotten stuff is not monumental. It can be a book or a conversation with each other.
When I forgot something with the forgetful friend, I was admonished with a strong “I told you that” and actually she did but I did not have a chance to explain why I forgot. Maybe this is a normal part of getting older or maybe I am making too much of it, but it is beginning to bother me.
– Memory Concern
Dear Memory: While the things your friend forgets may not be monumental, they could be an indication of a larger problem, so it’s good that you noticed it. Even if it’s a normal part of your friend’s aging process, keeping track of aspects that concern you, practicing patience with your friend and having calm, compassionate one-on-one conversations about what you’ve noticed, are good first steps.
The website for the Alzheimer’s Association (alz.org) has a 10-step guide to approaching memory concerns in others. The major components are:
- Assessing the situation – noting changes, considering what else is going on, and determining if others have noticed anything wrong.
- Taking action through conversation – giving specific examples of behavior you noticed and asking if your friend is concerned.
- Reaching out for help – educating yourself, calling the association’s hotline, offering to attend a doctor’s visit with your friend.
Experiencing these kinds of changes in yourself and others can be scary and isolating, so I’m glad you’re looking out for your friend. You don’t have to solve the problem or even diagnose anything. There are professionals and free resources out there well-suited for that. But speaking to your friend with kindness and patience may help her feel comfortable enough to take the next step in caring for herself.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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