Dear Eric: My 26-year-old grandson has never held a job. Three years ago, he earned a master’s degree. Despite his achievement, he engages in all-night computer gaming, sleeps during the day and lacks motivation to seek employment.
His father is out of the picture, and his mother, my daughter, maintains him in every way. She loves him and seems hesitant to address the situation directly.
While she works and manages the household, I occasionally assist, which I don’t mind doing. However, I feel that my assistance inadvertently reinforces his destructive behavior. I would appreciate any suggestions on how to help this individual break free from his detrimental routine.
– Concerned Grandfather
Dear Grandfather: You have the opportunity, as someone who is a helpful, consistent presence, to have a frank conversation with your grandson. I’d encourage you to take it. You can ask, “What is your plan for employment? Are there obstacles standing in your way? Would you like some advice? Are there specific areas in which you’d like my help?” And then listen to his answers. They’ll be very telling, one way or another.
He may tell you he’s looked and he can’t find anything. He may say that it was different for you when you were his age, and you don’t understand what he’s facing. It surely was different, but we all have the privilege of and the obligation to live in reality.
Go into this conversation with curiosity rather than demands, knowing that his expectations may not match your expectations. He will trust you more as a coach, mentor and resource if you listen to what his goals for himself are and help him chart a path toward achieving those goals.
Similarly, you might ask your daughter if she’s open to opinions about her son. It does sound like this is an enabling situation. But removing the enabling without identifying a goal is just going to cause conflict.
The three of you are all adults who are capable of making your own decisions. Sometimes we have to let our loved ones make a choice that doesn’t benefit them – this goes for your daughter and your grandson. However, you can have the most impact by working with her and with him to set new goals for employment and engagement in the house’s affairs and then holding him to them.
Dear Eric: I am a mother of two adult men. One of which is doing great and is living the single life. The other one is also doing good. He has his own business. My issue is that my son with his own business was engaged and they both decided to call it off.
Now I can’t seem to be happy when I hear about others who are getting married or even having children, whether it be family or people in general I don’t even know.
Looks like both sons are set in their lives and I fear I will not have the joy of being an in-law or grandparent. I guess what I’m asking is for some advice to help me move on. I know you’re probably going to suggest therapy, which I don’t want.
– Unhappy
Dear Unhappy: It is always a little bit of a challenge when people write, “don’t tell me to go to therapy,” because I’m like, “well… but that’s the answer.” However, I can respect your request and give you some other options.
First, is acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean “liking” or “wanting” or even “not being mad about.” Acceptance is you saying, “this is what is right now.” That right now is crucial because your wants could change, your sons’ romantic lives could change, anything could change. So, it’s important to say “I don’t have what I want right now” because it helps prevent you from spiraling out into forever.
Secondly, you don’t have to be happy for other people who are getting married or having children. You can send well wishes and be done with it, or you can ignore the announcements altogether.
Thirdly – and this kind of circles back to the beginning, but please hear me out – think about what your feelings of not having in-laws and grandchildren bring up in you, what they might be connected to in your past and other ways that you can get emotional satisfaction in life. Maybe you want a closer relationship with your sons, maybe you want to be a meaningful presence in a child’s life through volunteering, fostering or joining an intergenerational community. Maybe you’re grieving your son’s broken engagement. It’s all possible and all valid.
You don’t have to get into it with a therapist, if you don’t want to. But you do have to get into it with yourself, because unpacking these feelings will help you understand yourself better and find contentment.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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