Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married for more than 50 years and we have recently retired. I was looking forward to the free time to do more of the things we had talked about doing together. We have always been friends as well as spouses.
But it seemed almost immediately that my husband made a bucket list and started doing things he liked or thought he’d like. This includes extreme sports which requires a great deal of training time and lessons. Then there are trips to execute the sport.
Whitewater rafting is an example. We live in the desert, and I can’t swim, so I can’t join these activities. I’m happy he’s happy but I’m thinking he’s being a little selfish. I’m also feeling a little left out.
I’ve expressed my concern, but he thinks I’m just being silly, and he doesn’t understand why I feel left out. Is this normal?
– Left at Home
Dear Left at Home: You’re not being silly. Your husband strapped on a life jacket and took off across the desert like the cartoon Road Runner. It’s no wonder you’re feeling left out.
Let’s chalk this up to unideal time management and a zeal for this new phase of life. It’s great that he’s exploring new hobbies, but without a list of shared plans, your emotional bucket is going to feel empty.
Tell him that you don’t begrudge his extreme sports, but you also want to check off some items you can do together. Did you make a list way back when? Pull it out and see what still excites you both. Or make a new list. And then whip out the calendars and start to make a plan.
We communicate what’s valuable to us through how we spend our time. Your shared time together is likely also valuable to him, but it’s going to need a little advocacy. Time may feel abundant right now, but calendars fill up fast.
Also, take some time and make a list of your own. What are the things that you can explore on your own or with friends while he’s paddling through the rapids? Your time is also valuable.
Dear Eric: My good friend Helen and I both have 16-year-old daughters. Last year, my daughter made a small, beautifully decorated cake for Helen’s daughter’s birthday.
My daughter decided to gift Helen’s daughter another cake this year. I didn’t know this. Three weeks before the sweet 16 party, my daughter got a call from Helen’s sister who used to be a baker. She started talking about my daughter making the cake for the entire party of 60. A week later, the baker sent me a large list of ingredients, cake supplies and descriptions of eight cakes that she expected my daughter to get and make.
I called Helen and told her this is nuts. Helen responded that she does indeed expect my daughter to do all of that because my daughter was the one who said she was gifting “the cake” for the party.
My daughter planned to make another small cake, which is what she told Helen’s daughter. Helen’s daughter told Helen my daughter was making the big cake. When Helen and her sister called my daughter, she just rolled with it. I am upset about getting pulled into what looks like to me confusion, bad planning, communication and coordination. I am of two minds, one says that we’ll gift the cake for the party, deal with the unexpected expense and call it a day. And the other says, call Helen and tell her she will have to sort out the cake for the rest of the party. What do you think would be an appropriate or reasonable thing to do at this point?
– Cake Consequences
Dear Cake: A little half-baked, right? Why would two grown adults, one of whom was a professional baker, think that a 16-year-old amateur baker can deliver a cake for 60? Moreover, why would they want her to? Even if your daughter had volunteered to take on the massive task – which, it’s clear, she didn’t – it’s unwise of them to accept her offer.
Part of this is miscommunication, but a larger part is adults not asking some basic questions. Questions like “Really?” and “Are you sure?”
It’s reasonable to tell Helen that your daughter’s industrial kitchen isn’t open for business, and she can only be responsible for the small cake. It will still be a special day, and less stressful, and a smaller gesture will probably be more meaningful. If you fear this will permanently mar your friendship with Helen, you can also tell her you’re willing to pay for all or half or the 60-person cake, made by someone else. But be clear about expectations around the price range.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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