Dear Eric: I have an ongoing disagreement with my very polite and well-mannered husband. When we enter a venue together (restaurant, store, etc.), he opens the door/elevator door to let me through and then holds the door open so that at least two or three people and sometimes large groups of people, can walk in ahead of him.
He then follows them, and I am significantly ahead of him. Therefore, I often stand off to the side/wait or move forward/wait.
For example, I often wait for a while at the hostess stand of a restaurant while he makes his way to the same location. I would appreciate standing next to him as we enter a venue. It also feels awkward waiting for him in such situations. Should courtesy require getting the door/holding the elevator door open for strangers or moving forward with his wife so we can enter together?
– Manners
Dear Manners: His politeness is so extreme that it’s come around to being impolite back to you. One wonders how far he’s willing to take this. At a certain point, one stops being a random nice man and becomes a restaurant’s volunteer doorman.
If he won’t stop holding the door to groups following you, you can decline to enter without him, stand next to him as he holds the door, and you could both become restaurant doormen together. Perhaps this act of polite “solidarity” will show him the mannerliness of moderation.
Dear Eric: I play Mahjong with senior citizens several times a week at a local Barnes & Noble. One day our group needed two tables, and one table had stuff sitting on it, along with a backpack on the floor with no one around. I moved it to the table right next to it because we needed that specific size table and there were many other open tables around us.
When the young man finally came back, I apologized and said, “Sorry to move your stuff, but we needed this table, and you were nowhere around.” He then told me it was rude to touch his stuff. Many of the ladies agreed with him, so I wonder if I was wrong.
But the way I look at it is, you can’t expect someone to save a table and then walk around for an hour and expect no one to want the table. Also, I have come many times early and sat at a table to “reserve” it and never left my stuff on it expecting no one to move my stuff if they needed the table. What do you think?
– Game Play Rules
Dear Rules: I think you shouldn’t have touched another person’s belongings. Coffee shops, bookstores and spaces where we gather can be catch-as-catch-can when it comes to seating. But the general rule is that if your stuff is on the table, it means you intend to come back to it in the place you left it. Your need for the table didn’t supersede his need. It would’ve been better to make-do with another table until he returned, then ask him to move.
That said, if he really was gone an hour, it’s rude of him to camp out on a table. Everyone here could have made a more conscientious, community-minded choice.
Dear Eric: One of my neighbors and I have been taking a long walk (about five miles) on most Saturday mornings since the pandemic. We both enjoy the exercise and the company.
Recently, another woman, who also lives in the neighborhood, has expressed a desire to join us on these walks. We have both decided that we don’t enjoy this woman’s company enough to spend a couple of hours with her on a weekly basis. We don’t know how to blow her off without offending her. Any ideas what we might say to her that would not be cruel but would get the message across?
– Walk Off
Dear Walk Off: As this is a tradition that goes back a few years, it’s fair to tell the third neighbor that you and your friend have come to appreciate this special time together and would prefer to preserve it. Even if you’re not discussing deeply personal matters on your walks, you’ve established a rhythm and a relationship that would be changed by adding someone else. Your neighbor might not be thinking of that aspect. Sure, it could come off as cliquish, but you’re not obligated to respond to every person who invites themselves into your plans.
If you’re inclined to socialize with her in smaller doses, suggest a shorter walk or a different activity on another day, if you have time. But it’s not cruel to say that this is a special thing you and your friend have planned together, and you value it the way it is. Your neighbor can accept that.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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