movie review
A MINECRAFT MOVIE
Running time: 101 minutes. Rated PG (action, language, rude humor, scary images).
“This place makes no sense!” yells a character in the imbecilic green-screen gunk that is “A Minecraft Movie.”
The confused person speaks for all of us as she refers to a meh-gical land called the Overworld that she’s stumbled into after strolling through a portal in a cave.
Similarly incomprehensible is this irritating film starring Jack Black and Jason Momoa, which is apparently based on the most popular video game of all time.
Who knew? Who cares?
I hesitate to call “Minecraft” intellectual property, though, as that would suggest that there is some semblance of intellect anywhere.
Mine all you like. You’ll never find any smarts in this cavern of stupidity.
Once we learn that an evil pig villainess with a New Zealand accent is tormenting citizens because she once lost a dance competition, our brains self-combust.
That’s if your gray matter is somehow still intact after Black’s character, Steve, a mining enthusiast who’s been trapped for years in the Overworld, shows his new friends his poultry shack, Steve’s Lava Chicken, and then sings a jingle about it.
Black inexplicably breaks into song several times, as though the Tenacious D frontman built it into his contract.
Your noggin will certainly be done in by Steve and Garrett (Momoa) flying through the air in a risqué position suggesting a sex act.
Really, “A Minecraft Movie” is a 101-minute lobotomy. Put that on the poster.
For the uninitiated, the Overworld — I’m pretty sure — is a pixelated place where a player can erect buildings, create tools and design weapons out of blocks. The rules are unclear, as the filmmakers picked silliness over storytelling.
Stacking cubes would not, at first glance, seem like a strong plot to hang an action-adventure film on, but “The Lego Movie” did so with cleverness, heart and humor.
Trust me: “The Lego Movie” is “Lawrence of Arabia” next to “Minecraft.”
It’s not for lack of trying. Jared Hess, the director of “Napoleon Dynamite” and “Nacho Libre,” attempts to pump in some personality where he can.
Keeping with Hess’ scrappy CV, his characters are misfit kids and outcast adults.
Henry (an endearing Sebastian Hansen) is a teen genius who’s bullied at his new school. His sister Natalie (Emma Myers), um, has not been burdened by traits or a discernible role in the plot.
The youngsters wind up in the Overworld with Dawn (Danielle Brooks), a skeptical realtor who runs a traveling zoo out of her car, and Garrett, a gaming champion and life coach whose glory days are in the rearview.
Steve joins the ragtag crew on their predictable journey to secure a device to bring them home. Henry discovers confidence while Natalie occasionally speaks.
It’s the kind of formulaic brand-extension tale a writer could pitch while in a coma.
If you’ve ever watched any film starring Black and Momoa, then you’ve already seen these performances. It’s Dewey and Aquaman running away from merch.
The sole enjoyable aspect, which will shock nobody, is the fabulous Jennifer Coolidge as the school’s vice principal.
She gives a “Strangers With Candy”-like performance as drunk and dotty Marlene, who winds up on an absurd date with one of the speechless block people who escape to earth.
The dinner scenes are funny, if not hilarious, but they at least rescue us from the rest of the movie.
Back in the visually obnoxious Overworld, mean Miss Piggy is waging a war against “all forms of creativity.”
That’s what is so laughable about “A Minecraft Movie.”
It fancies itself some kind of warrior for unique self-expression and originality when it’s based on an established property that was sold to Microsoft for $2.5 billion.
“To hope, to dream, to create is to suffer,” the baddie says.
She left out: To watch.
