Dear Eric: My 40-year-old daughter has been living in a house with a very nice older, recently retired gentleman for about 10 years. He has an adult son and daughter-in-law who are drug addicts.
Recently, because of domestic violence in front of their 4-year-old child, the daughter-in-law was arrested and has an order of protection to stay away from her husband.
In the meantime, the man who my daughter is living with is now temporarily taking care of the 4-year-old. The man is willing to take care of his grandson long term, if needed.
My daughter understands that and does not blame him for accepting temporary custody of the grandson.
The problem is our daughter has a very good job that involves travel daily and at times overnight. Because of her travel and work requirements, she realizes that she needs a good night’s rest. She is not getting adequate sleep due to the grandson’s health issues during the night.
She is willing to stay with him right now to provide support for him as his new responsibility is demanding. But she is skeptical that such an arrangement will be conducive to her well-being.
Should she have a long talk with the man and share that she needs to find another place to live in order for her safety, driving and working? She and the man get along great. But she is wondering what she should do: leave him and thank him for the past and wish him the best or stay there and do her best?
– Restless Housemates
Dear Housemates: A talk is the right path forward. No matter the circumstances, housemates often find that, after a while, their needs change, even though they still like each other. It’s normal for life factors to motivate moves. Talking it through helps alleviate hurt feelings.
Your daughter should think about the obligation she feels toward the man and his grandson. It’s understandable that, after such a long friendship, she wants to support him. But is she the best person to provide said support? Part of the tension may be coming from the fact that she’s trying to fulfill a role that another person – a relative, or home health aide or a social worker – is better suited for. So, she should also ask the man what support he needs and, if she feels capable, help him brainstorm the best way to get that support.
Dear Eric: My late husband and I married nine years ago; both of our previous spouses had died. We were both in our 80s.
At the onset, we had agreed to split all of our expenses 50/50 and we wrote up a pre-nup. As time passed, his daughter began to question our financial arrangement, so she decided to take over his banking and accounts. That was fine with me.
Later on, she also unilaterally decided to monitor his health arrangements as well. She and her brother decided to take him off his cancer treatment and medicine.
He passed recently and I wanted to be involved with the funeral arrangements. I was highly upset that she refused to talk with me about them.
From that day until now, no one from his family has ever reached out to me or asked me how I’m doing. Thanksgiving and Christmas have gone by, and I still harbor hostile thoughts about his whole family as being unkind, unfeeling and uncaring about me as the person who took wonderful care of him physically and emotionally. I need to let this go but it keeps cropping up in my consciousness frequently. How do I move on?
– Abandoned by Family
Dear Family: I’m so sorry that you were treated this way. It’s not right, as you know. While it’s possible that your late husband’s children struggled to accept your marriage because of their own grief over losing their mother, they shouldn’t have made you suffer for it. Grief is difficult and complicated; navigating it can be difficult without help. But help is available.
Your own grief may be one of the reasons that this behavior has been so hard to move past. It’s possible that the cruel way they treated you has kept you from processing your husband’s death. So, I’d recommend talking to a therapist or a faith leader about what you’re going through. You might also join a grief support group. These experiences will always be a part of your story, but by processing your feelings, you can reduce their power over you.
It may also be helpful to remember that nothing your late husband’s family did or does can take away the years you shared and the love you felt for each other. Try to focus on that and lean on those who love and care for you for support.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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