When I left military service in 2020, I had no intention of committing suicide. But then sometimes we have no idea what’s coming in life.
In the military, I knew exactly what I was supposed to do from dusk till dawn. I always had a mission.
But all that changed as soon as I went back to being a civilian. I no longer had a career or direction, much less a mission.
I enlisted in the Marine Corps, then joined the Army, and finally signed up for the National Guard. In the process, I sustained long-lasting injuries that left scars. I was diagnosed with PTSD and still suffer today from night terrors.
Even so, I loved where my life was going. I had not only a career, but also a wife and a son, Callum. Then my life turned upside-down. My wife abruptly left me and filed for custody. I decided against re-enlisting so I could stay near our son.
I had no plan for my life as a civilian once I left active duty. I pinballed from job to job, first as a bartender, then as a landscaper. One night, I drove drunk, got arrested on a DUI charge and went to jail. That really set me back. I had no choice but to change my life.
So, I decided to go back to school. I applied to Rockford Career College, a two-year vocational facility in Rockford, Ill. I’d tried my hand as an electrician and liked it enough to train to get better at it. As it happens, few trade schools appear to participate in the GI bill program. According to Veterans Education Success, less than half of all trade schools have GI Bill recipients. So I took advantage.
But one night in 2021, I had a breakdown. I suddenly sank into the deepest of depressions. I had left the military to be with my son, but almost never got to see him.
I lay down on the kitchen floor pointing a 9-millimeter handgun, a single-action, semi-automatic pistol, toward my mouth, ready to pull the trigger. But just then, my roommate entered our apartment, saw me and yelled out for me to stop. He ran over, punched me in the face and knocked me unconscious. He saved my life.
As it turned out, my college was friendly to veterans, so much so that it had an upstairs lounge just for vets. I soon saw that other vets were struggling the same as I.
We’d all had a sense of brotherhood in the military. Serving our country had instilled in each of us a clear-cut identity. We had a hard time feeling we belonged anywhere. We needed to figure out our new mission. We had to discover who we were without our uniforms.
So many lessons I’d learned in the military came in handy. We were always taught to stay 15 minutes ahead of any challenges that might come. All the stuff that was drilled into our heads, and the traits we developed as a result, turned out to have a purpose beyond the barracks.
Slowly, I pulled myself together. Above all, I took to heart what my Army squad leader had told us whenever a soldier in our unit complained about where he was stationed. “Grass isn’t always greener on the other side,” he would say. “It’s greener where you water it.”
In short, make the best of whatever happens to be in front of you at the time. And that’s my call to action for other veterans. Revert back to your warrior mindset. Remember the skills you were taught in training. Seek out your next mission rather than wait for it to be given to you.
I established a club at the school to help other vets. We hoisted an American flag in our lounge, put in some couches and installed a mini-fridge. We met regularly to hash out solutions to our problems.
My new career is on track. I’m excited about my second chance. I’m no longer Ryan the Army sergeant or Marine lance corporal. Now I’m Ryan the electrician, still alive, once again reporting for duty.
Andrekus is a veteran of three branches of the U.S. military and an electrician based in Chicago.
