Dear Eric: I am a lesbian in my late 60s. Recently I had a dream of a woman I knew back in the ’70s. I was very taken by her; even though I knew I was gay and confused, I married my boyfriend anyway. But she and I and other friends went on coffee breaks for a couple of years, and she always sat across from me. Sometimes I caught her staring at me and her face would turn red.
Back then I was afraid to approach and ask a woman on a date, as many of us were. Now back to 2025, I am single, and I figure I would look her up and say hi. I saw by multiple websites and media sites that she was not married and never was. What were the chances of that since she was so pretty back then?
So, I phoned her home, and no one picked up, and I left a message. I tried to message her on Facebook, and, to my surprise, I could not message her because she blocked me. That was so strange. What did I do?
So, I drove to where she lived and when she came out of her house, I called out to her. She said she did not know me and I could tell she was lying because she was getting nervous. So, I just dropped the whole thing. I didn’t want to scare her and make her think I was a lunatic.
This really bothers me because I asked a friend of hers about the situation and the friend ghosted me too. What is going on? Cannot get any answers. What is your take on this?
– Later Love
Dear Love: Something else is going on in the background here. Please let this reconnection go. There’s a version of this scenario that plays out like a movie. But the Facebook block, the personal interaction and your other friend’s response suggest that this plot line is not a shared goal.
No, they don’t suggest it. They’re emphatic.
Some of this behavior is concerning – going to her house, for instance, is a step too far. So, please check your thinking and run ideas by your friends before you do them, in the future.
Some of the energy you wanted to have in the past, but couldn’t because of societal pressures, skewed this interaction in the present. That doesn’t mean you’re unworthy of a connection. You are. This wasn’t the right one and she tried to make that clear by not responding to your phone call. When testing the waters, it’s important to pay attention to nonverbal cues and respect people’s boundaries. In the future, try a cooler approach. The person who is for you will match your energy.
Dear Eric: My beautiful best friend/daughter passed away from breast cancer seven
months ago. I was her caregiver for almost three years and am devastated by losing her.
I have tried a couple times after she passed away to start writing thank-you cards to those who sent flowers, did food dropoffs and visited. But I end up hysterical and simply put it aside for another day. I have given a few cards to her best friends and thanked others via personal messages on social media.
Is it ever considered too late to send thank-you cards acknowledging those who were there for my daughter and myself during her illness and funeral services and how much I appreciated them?
– Still in Grief
Dear Still in Grief: I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter. You’ve been through something awful and there’s no timetable for how you navigate this period after. And that includes thank-you notes. So, short answer: it’s never too late to send them.
You also don’t have to send them at all. Grief is seismic, it’s ever evolving, and it changes the course of our lives. Often, the basic things in life – eating, paying bills – become a challenge. And those who know us, or know how all-encompassing grief can be, understand that. So, trust that your friends and loved ones aren’t sitting by the mailbox waiting for your reply to their gesture. Even if there are people in your circle who are waiting for a thank-you note, or an acknowledgement that what they did made a difference, it can come on your schedule.
The main priority is that you allow yourself the time you need to heal. Your response to the notes you’ve tried to write is telling you what you really need. It’s not the time yet. And if it’s never the time, that’s OK, too. Those who reached out weren’t looking for thanks; they wanted to provide you comfort. It’s right to find solace in that comfort now without asking more of yourself.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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