Another year, another flood of unhappy endings.
You know the drill around here. The football teams stink so bad, they make us cry — even while we’re laughing at their quarterbacks. Our baseball teams are good; just not as good as the Dodgers.
The Knicks are maybe the fourth-best NBA team, which will get Spike Lee all excited in May and then, once again, all weepy by June. Our hockey teams play in a lousy conference, much of their own making. The soccer teams are inconsistent. Our local colleges don’t seem willing to wreck their budgets quite enough to win at football or basketball.
That leaves the Liberty, again, as New York’s best hope for this coming year. If you had read these predictions a year ago, you’d have known that the Liberty would be the only New York team to win a championship in 2024.
You could look it up, but you’re probably too lazy.
As you can tell, I’ve become a bit jaded over the years. And who can blame me? It isn’t easy writing about losers, year after year after year. It’s even harder for a skilled soothsayer, such as myself, always knowing in advance that they will be losing.
Still, duty calls. Here, in a nutshell, are your scheduled disappointments for 2025:
January
Ichiro Suzuki misses unanimous election into the Hall of Fame by one vote. Hunt begins for perpetrator, whose DNA is all over the postage-paid envelope and enclosed ballot.
Daniel Jones sues NCAA to regain his last year of college eligibility, then signs with the Georgia Bulldogs for $30 million.
Yankees acquire 17 more relief pitchers, hoping to find a closer who can actually close something. Even a door, for goodness’ sake.
February
Sam Darnold wins the Super Bowl for the Vikings, then dedicates his MVP trophy to Adam Gase. “Best coach I ever had.”
At Jim Dolan’s command, Ranger GM Chris Drury sends out memo to other franchises, announcing anybody can now bid for team’s jerseys, sticks, and hockey-stick tape.
Travis Kelce dumps Taylor Swift for Sabrina Carpenter, whose album sits atop the charts.
Judge, Boone, and Rodgers have dinner together at Aaron’s restaurant on 9th Avenue. Confused waiter isn’t sure who ordered the Sauteed Triple Delight for $15.95.
March
Yankees open season series at home against Brewers in frigid temperatures, on Mar. 24, blowing out arms of starters Gerrit Cole, Max Fried, and Carlos Rodon. “It’s good this happened now, instead of right before the playoffs,” Brian Cashman says.
NFL owners vote for 82-game regular season in 2026, with several back-to-backs and an in-season tournament. Players union demands better on-field ambulance service, in return. Owners won’t budge on the issue.
Steve Cohen buys rights to the National League standings from MLB for $800 million, clinching a Met division title.
April
Giants pick second-best quarterback in an NFL draft that is weak in quarterbacks, ensuring another five years of strong paper-bag sales to fans.
Scotty Scheffler fails to properly dispose of his tee on the 12th hole at Augusta National and is arrested for littering.
Some team wins the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. None of its players will be back next season, few will graduate, but what the heck. Big rager on campus.
Alex Ovechkin passes Wayne Gretzky’s career goals total. To celebrate the feat, Russia invades eastern Canada. “Quebec wants independence,” Putin says.
May
Juan Soto demands trade after his extended family is refused free cheese fries at Shake Shack in Citi Field.
Exhausted Knick starters fall asleep in the locker room and fail to show up for second half of Game 3.
Hal Steinbrenner loses temper about Yankees’ early slump, says “darn” in front of stunned reporters.
Donald Trump orders “socialist” Green Bay Packers to become privately owned. Jared Kushner named offensive coordinator.
June
Devils win Stanley Cup, crediting Ranger hockey sticks and tape they acquired for two barrels of Gatorade.
Ukraine president Vladimir Zelenskyy, in desperate need of tank experts, attends NBA draft and asks U.S. to send him Net GM Sean Marks.
High-ranking tennis players enjoy a steroid sampler party after the French Open, because everyone knows there are no real penalties if you’re in the Top 20.
Caitlin Clark hits four-pointer from past midcourt to win game (new WNBA rule).
July
Construction halted on NYCFC Etihad Park stadium, when it is discovered the arena is being built on burial ground of Met pennant hopes.
Novak Djokovic bounces tennis ball 26 times before serving at Wimbledon, an Open era record.
Still mired in slump, Yankees change logo in midseason. The N no longer interlocks with Y. Two Ys are inexplicably standing atop one another. It’s time for a new era, says New Era. Cap sales are brisk.
Trump names Aaron Rodgers ambassador to Hasbeenia.
Gleyber Torres is batting .320 for the Tigers and running out grounders. His beard is eight inches long.
August
Scotty Scheffler is found guilty, begins three-year term in Georgia state prison.
Sabrina Ionescu hits layup at buzzer as the Liberty defeats the Nets to capture Barclays Center championship.
Woody Johnson ruins and insults unimportant country.
Orthopedist invents air braces that prevent all leg injuries during games. NFL players won’t wear them because legs look nerdy.
September
Alabama quarterback surpasses Elon Musk’s total net worth.
Gotham FC commissioner sends out bat signal after three-game losing streak.
Lakers tell Bronny James he is being promoted from G League to F League. He doesn’t know there isn’t such a thing.
Steve Cohen decides Mets will play in gold shoes during playoffs. And not just gold-colored or gold-plated. All gold. Which could be a problem.
October
Sabrina Carpenter hangs with the Kelce family in a suite at Arrowhead Stadium. “We never really liked Taylor,” whispers Kelce’s mom. Carpenter already figured as much.
Yankees begin playoffs. Nobody is allowed to flip calendar page to October, next to Aaron Judge’s locker.
Researchers discover that radio signals inside football helmets cause brain damage. NFL coaches, worried damage might hinder communication, turn up the volume.
Dodgers sweep Mets in National League Championship Series. Steve Cohen loses $4 billion side bet with owner Mark Walter and also must say that Los Angeles has the best pizza.
November
Kristaps Porzingis, Giannis Antetokounmpo, and Victor Wembanyama magically turn into actual unicorns, much to the delight of young children who can’t pronounce their names.
Yankees lose to Dodgers in Series, but acquire new advertising sponsor for their uniforms. “And you can expect plenty more changes,” says Brian Cashman, after signing an extension.
Jets mess up everything again. Don’t even bother trying to figure out what went wrong. Really. It’s not worth it. Just play with the kids.
And the Giants are just as bad. Sorry.
December
Entire Rutgers football team enters transfer portal, then sheepishly returns when there are no takers.
Major League Baseball considers enacting a Golden Ager rule that would allow a manager to choose when opposing team must field an elderly fan at shortstop for one play.
Daniel Jones has rough season. Georgia goes 3-9.
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