Dear Eric: I’m a woman in a new relationship with a fabulous man who doesn’t seem to understand an issue I’ve brought to his attention. I noted recently that when he checks out other women in front of me, I feel disrespected. He listened and said he understood completely.
I didn’t have the courage to take it a step further, which is ridiculous given my age (58) and the fact that this “problem” will likely lead to the end of our relationship. He very often engages with the most-attractive woman in his vicinity, often his own daughter’s age, in a very friendly manner.
He doesn’t interact with any males this way, and I’ve certainly noticed his increased engagement with younger women. There’s a line between simply friendly and overly friendly, especially when there’s a pattern that seems to show a preference for attractive and younger women.
I feel like we punish people, especially women, who bring this up in a relationship and everyone is quick to deem the accuser as controlling, insecure and jealous. The root of my frustration is that I feel like I could be wrong and I’m paying more attention to his interactions with younger women.
– Uncertain
Dear Uncertain: Even if he feels his flirtations are innocuous, when witnessing them you feel less valued. That’s a vulnerable space to be in. It’s not ridiculous that it’s hard to fully articulate, so please be kind to yourself.
Feeling insecure is not a fault. Often, it’s a warning sign for an unmet emotional or psychological need. Perhaps for you that need is to feel truly seen, appreciated and admired by your partner. So, part of this is a growing edge in your relationship.
He said he understood the issue when you brought it up, but did he find ways of modifying his behavior or its impact? That’s a part of the conversation you should revisit.
Some of this is about the other women, but an equal part is the energy and attention he’s pouring into you. If you’re not feeling love in the way you want to feel love, it’s not controlling for you to advocate for that. As this is a new relationship, you’re still learning about each other. Being able to communicate needs and boundaries, and to honor them in our partners, is a core building block of successful love relationships.
Now, I’m not certain from your letter if his flirting is lecherous. If it is, you’ll want to re-evaluate whether this “fabulous” man is the right person for you.
Dear Eric: I have an awkward situation with a sweet friend. She never stops talking. We recently went to an event that was a 40-minute drive away. I was looking forward to conversation, laughing and catching up. That’s not close to what transpired. She talked nonstop about how she wishes she had designed her pantry differently. She told me where every appliance in her kitchen is plugged in and where every cooking utensil is stored. She droned on and on. I couldn’t get a word in.
The drive home was the same drill. Her rhetoric was filled with the books she has recently read and included every detail of the book’s plots, characters and story lines. It was absolutely boring, annoying and exhausting. I couldn’t wait to get rid of her.
As a fan of your column, I often wonder why writers asking for advice don’t just have a conversation regarding the issue in question. Talk to your partner, kid, boss, etc. Well, now I get it. Not exactly as easy as it sounds. I am trying to figure out how to approach what is likely a neurotic personality issue. The last thing I want to do is crush her spirit. Thoughts?
– Quiet
Dear Quiet: Is it possible that your friend was as excited to catch up with you as you were with her? That excitement likely boiled over into an overly enthusiastic barrage. No crime there.
The next time you’re together, you may want to temper your expectations while also being more assertive about cutting in. Chatty people often know they’re chatty and won’t bristle at someone calling a conversational timeout.
Here’s some interjections that aren’t spirit-crushing:
“Hold that thought…”
“Can we slow the conversation down for a minute? I need to catch up.”
“That reminds me of a great story. Could you pause for a second so I can share it with you?”
If this is a new personality trait, raise a flag in a text or a format that curbs interruption. Frame it as a concern rather than a complaint. Her loquaciousness could, as you suggested, be related to a mental health challenge. But I’d caution against pathologizing it yet. Coming across as annoying to one of one’s friends isn’t a diagnosis you’ll find in the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.comor P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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