Dear Eric: I grew up with highly educated parents, with a strong work ethic. Because of my and my also well-educated and accomplished husband’s many years of hard work, we have been able to provide well for our children. Unfortunately, all of them have had health difficulties from birth, and instead of growing and recovering, they each developed long-term substance abuse. They barely got their high school diplomas and only one has made it through two years of college and wants to give up because she is tired of trying.
Meanwhile, my husband and I have continued to work hard to cover all their needs. We are way past retirement age and have our own health problems. We are exhausted. And very worried about our children who seem incapable and uninterested in supporting themselves.
How on earth are they all going to be able to manage? We feel sure any money they inherit will disappear because they are ignorant of investing, taxes, managing finances, adverse to chores, etc., and refuse to learn.
They all used to be smart enough but now they seem so stupid. (We get along and even have laughs but can’t connect on anything serious or important.)
We are wondering how we can leave our hard-earned money to them just for them to waste it and continue to decline in the way they already are?
How can we persuade our adult children to go to and complete college and become financially literate (and responsible) despite being older? Two are working at menial jobs and one will be limited in his job prospects, and one is not working at all.
It’s painful to spend time with them because we don’t have any interests or values in common, and they are completely uninterested and ignorant about almost any subject. We are grieving and we are ashamed of our children; their former schoolmates are growing and thriving. Are we asking too much or too little?
– Disappointed Parent
Dear Parent: Persuasion time is over; it’s time to protect your children from themselves and protect your assets from frivolous spending. Talk to an estate lawyer about setting up a trust for your kids. Find out what kind of stipulations you can put on the funds. And then think through what you really need to feel comfortable leaving them money. It may be finishing school, but I encourage you to try to separate your expectations from the reality of your children’s lives and abilities.
You’re experiencing a lot of grief reconciling the lives that you wanted for yourself and your kids with the lives that you have. Some of that grief is coming out in judgment and resentment. Your children are responsible for their actions (or inactions) but they’re not responsible for your resentment. Try to free yourself from some of this by speaking to a counselor about what’s going on. A family therapist will also be helpful.
Additionally, consider Al-Anon or SMART Recovery Family meetings, if you don’t already go. Parenting people who struggle with substance abuse can lead to codependent relationships and toxic relationships. Talking to others about what you’re feeling will help you to separate what you can control about your kids’ lives from what you must learn to accept.
Dear Eric: I could relate to “Loving but Frustrated Daughter”, whose 92-year-old mother lived alone in a remote area and wanted to talk on the phone regularly but didn’t have much to say. After some ideas that did not work with my own parents, I signed up for newsfeeds local to them. We could talk about what was happening in their world and it often generated memories of stories I had not heard. It also helped plan activities for my visits.
– Local Conversation
Dear Conversation: What a creative solution. And I particularly like that it supports local journalism, an extremely important resource.
Dear Eric: I have a suggestion for the mother who was so devastated at losing her daughter that she could not write thank-you notes to all those who helped her (“Still In Grief”). Enlist a friend or relative to write them for her. They can write something like, “Julia wishes you to know that she could not have made it through that terrible time without your help and support” or “Julia wants to thank you for attending Anna’s funeral” etc. It’s quite understandable that writing those letters brings back such dreadful memories that the mother feels paralyzed. If she wants, the letters can include an acknowledgment of how much time has passed.
– Been There
Dear Been There: I really like this suggestion. When we’re grieving, people’s offer to help in any way can be kind but overwhelming. A task like this is not only meaningful, but manageable and makes a big difference.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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