Dear Eric: My sister-in-law is one of the kindest and most giving people I know. She volunteers at her church, at our local YMCA and at our golf club. She has driven friends several states away for medical treatments.
However, my brother/her husband of 30-plus years is not a social guy, and this irritates her to no end. She will complain to anyone who’ll listen about him. She recently started complaining to me about other things he does, such as not playing enough golf so she can have alone time, and his inability to find her choice of wine in Costco.
Recently, she wanted to force (her words) my brother to come over to my house and socialize during my daughter’s charity tournament. I pushed back. My tone, I’m told, got testy.
She holds a grudge for a very long time. My brother recently backed out of a golf tournament as my partner because of this. I’ve apologized in an email and twice face to face. She will not look at me or speak with me at all.
I want them both in my life but don’t know how to make things right. I felt I was sticking up for my brother.
– Bad Mouthing Do-Gooder
Dear Do-Gooder: So much compassion for the world and yet so little for her husband. It’s a real shame. Judging by your brother’s response, he either doesn’t see her complaints as a big deal (another shame), or their relationship has a toxicity that could suggest emotional abuse. This is cause for concern.
Your hurdle here is her persistent resentment and anger. And it may be an insurmountable one. She’s proved that she’s willing to stoke and spread tiny grudges about her husband to anyone who will listen, so this conflict with you is likely more fuel for the fire.
At present, your brother has made it clear that he doesn’t want you standing up for him. What are other ways that you can support? Try to have a one-on-one conversation with him letting him know that you see and understand that boundary, but that you’re concerned.
And, going forward, should you find yourself in conversation with his wife, you can and should also let her know that you have a boundary too: no complaints about my brother.
Dear Eric: A year and a half ago, my husband started receiving confusing emails referencing benefits applications that he had not applied for and email newsletters he had not signed up for. At first, we chalked it up to someone with the same name having momentary confusion about their own email address. (This is an email address my husband has had for 20 years.)
In the months that followed, it has escalated to periodic flurries of messages not intended for him, like a dozen job application confirmations and requests for legal support confirmations.
We don’t know the email address these are intended for, or we’d forward the messages.
Recently, my husband received one such mistaken email that included the other contact information of this person. Should my husband call the phone number indicated to alert this person of the longtime email confusion? Should we instead send a letter that is kindly but intentionally worded and can’t be traced back to us should this somehow be an issue for the person at the other end? Or is this some kind of elaborate scam?
– Cautious Detectives
Dear Detectives: This seems very involved for a phishing scam, which are internet-based ruses to get secure information. A letter seems to be the best course of action, since you still don’t know the correct email address. This also prevents you from getting further sucked in.
Because phishing scams often begin with a message telling the victim that their private information has been compromised, if you were to call this person out of the blue, you might seem like the scammers. That has all the makings of an entertaining stage farce, but who has the time for all those slamming doors?
Any of us can fall victim to phishing scams, so it’s useful to follow guidelines published by the Federal Trade Commission for recognizing and avoiding them. If you’re contacted online by someone about a problem with your account, asking you to click a link to reset a password you didn’t want to reset, or asking for payment for an invoice you don’t recognize, don’t click or reply. Go to the company’s website separately, if it’s a company you do business with, and contact them through the number listed.
If you don’t recognize the company, report the message as spam and delete it. It’s also important to keep your software updated on your computer and your phone, as well as turning on multi-factor authentication, which requires a second step before anyone can get into your accounts.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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