Dear Eric: I have a friend I haven’t spoken to since her small wedding two years ago. I thought we were pretty close friends for 25 years. We shared our ups and downs.
Before her wedding, she told me that it was going to be a small ceremony with only about 30 friends and family. It would be at a restaurant. They planned on paying for everyone and 30 was their limit. I was shocked and hurt when she told me there was no room for me. I always thought we were close.
I offered to pay for my own dinner, but she declined my offer and me. She later texted me pictures of her ceremony as if to include me in this pathetic way. I didn’t respond to the pictures, and we haven’t spoken since.
I always thought she would reach out to me, but she never did. In the end I feel like she has shown me that she really doesn’t care about our friendship and doesn’t care that I was hurt. Am I wrong or is she wrong?
– Off the Guest List
Dear Guest List: There’s a saying that goes “there’s three sides to every story: your side, my side and the truth. And no one is lying.”
It seems clear that you have different understandings of the depth of your friendship and the ways that you can show the other how valued they are. She could see your friendship as less close than you do, or she could think that by texting you she was actually including you. And that’s her truth.
Your truth is just as valid, though. You were hurt and part of being in a friendship is listening when a friend says that we’ve hurt them and then making it right.
To get closure, I suggest reaching out to clear the air. You wanted her to reach out in response to your hurt, but did you actually tell her you were hurt? Is it possible she’s hurt that you didn’t respond to the pictures? I’m not sure that either of you is in the wrong here. However, a conversation is the only way that you can get to a shared truth and, hopefully, reconciliation.
Dear Eric: One of my daughters-in-law has always been easy to offend. It runs in her family, with people being shunned for years. I’ve tried to be loving and caring, but I always come up short.
Eighteen months ago, she had a medical emergency, and our son asked us to come. While at their home, my daughter-in-law started talking about their finances and asking my opinion about what they should do. I suggested that perhaps they should start planning for the future instead of living in the moment. All seemed fine for a bit. Then came the anger, hurt and all that goes with it.
I realized later that she wanted me to offer to help them out financially. We are retired and we make almost a third of what they bring in.
She stopped speaking to us and we left. She cut off all contact with us just after sending me a really hateful email.
She also told one of our adult grandchildren I had said things about that grandchild that were not true.
Now, our son is making overtures on behalf of his wife to just forgive and forget. I have actually enjoyed not having to guard every word I say and all the drama that goes with that. I don’t believe I can trust her any more than I did before. I just don’t know if I can forgive and forget. I hate that, but it’s true. Any advice?
– No Offense Intended
Dear No Offense: I see red flags all over the place here. So many flags it looks like the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games. It’s unconscionable that she lied to her child about you; it’s awful that she cut off contact after you declined to give her money; it’s concerning that she’s so quick to take offense. Legitimate offense is one thing, but the way she deploys it seems more manipulative. You’re right to not want to be involved in the manipulation.
Your son wants you to forgive and forget but has she actually asked for forgiveness? Or reached out to you at all? I’m not saying one can’t forgive without an apology, but she crossed multiple lines, and she needs to own up to that.
I’m a fan of “forgive and remember” sometimes. She has a pattern of behavior that makes it hard to trust her again without change. Ideally, you’d be able to have a conversation with her in which you told her how her actions affected you and she made amends. If she won’t do that, it’s wise to keep a polite distance.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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