Johnny Depp’s Hollywood comeback after 8 years is far from a holiday classic

Let’s call “Ebenezer: A Christmas Carol” what it really is: “Johnny Depp: A Comeback.” 

That’s the only reason to go see it.

It’s been eight years since the “Pirates of the Caribbean” star has been in a major Hollywood film. After ex Amber Heard’s abuse allegations and the ensuing Cirque du So Embarrassing that was their defamation trial, he made just two small movies (one was in French).

And so, given the circumstances, it’s quite fitting that the first image of Depp that most fans will have seen on a cinema screen since 2018 is him grizzled, old, kooky and embittered. It’s practically realism.  

There really was no doubt in my mind that the actor would be solid as Ebenezer Scrooge, Charles Dickens’ redeemed crank who’s been a staple of Christmases for more than a century. The character is comfortably in line with the dark, pale and pinstriped Tim Burton side of his career — “Edward Scissorhands,” “Sweeney Todd,” “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,” etc. And he’s never shied away from oversized and eccentric roles.

Or Victorian England, for that matter.

At the beginning, Depp is actually a bit too extreme. Muppetesque. His initial performance answers the age-old question: What if Capt. Jack Sparrow lost all his sex appeal and became a mean, greedy shut-in?

But as Scrooge encounters the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future, Depp and Ebenezer both relax, and the classic story hits its requisite emotional beats.  

What’s rather less successful is the mediocre movie wheezing and fumbling around him. “Ebenezer” is definitely not entering any family’s holiday traditions. It’s no Mr. Magoo.

That updated title suggests that the tale has been somehow refashioned to be more about Scrooge, like “Cruella” or “Maleficent.” But isn’t “A Christmas Carol” always solely about Ebenezer? He’s in every scene, he’s taught a lesson, he even gets a catchphrase. Lest we forget that “Scrooged,” starring Bill Murray, was a pun and the flick was set in modern times.

Naming this routine Victorian-Era adaptation “Ebenezer” is little more than a particularly lazy attempt to differentiate the Depp movie from the myriad other versions, like when a friend bleaches their hair on vacation.

But that meaningless moniker plus the involvement of director Ti West of the “X” horror trilogy imply that we’re getting something fresh, exciting and edgy. We are not. There are a couple of half-hearted jump-scares and an unexplained pack of zombie-like ghouls that chase after Scrooge — kissing cousins to those holograms of Disney’s “Haunted Mansion.” Andrea Riseborough’s white-eyed Ghost of Christmas Past is the creepiest part, as that spirit often is.

One wrongheaded way of sustaining the dreary mood is that West makes “Severance” actor Tramell Tillman’s Ghost of Christmas Present less jolly and fun. Instead he’s a rude, unsmiling bar fly. Doesn’t that go against the whole point of the “live, laugh, love” message he’s supposed to convey?

The non-paranormal folk that Scrooge meets are fab to fine. One addition to the plot is getting to see Ian McKellen’s Jacob Marley in human form for a minute on the day he dies. McKellen’s predictably wonderful and full of panache. I wish his scenes were longer. Heck, I wish this was “Marley”!

And Rupert Grint makes for a sweet and demure Bob Cratchit, bleary eyed from staying up late fixing Tiny Tim’s crutch.  

Again, how exactly did the director of “Pearl” land this job? 

As early as the first visitation, there is a feeling of defeat when we realize we’ve been hoodwinked into sitting through another basic “Christmas Carol” — and an especially indecisive one. It’s not horror, it’s not festive, it’s not a lushly designed London winter. 

All this movie is is an opportunity to hear Depp yell, “Bah humbug!” — a phrase that, unsurprisingly, comes quite naturally to him.